How do I stop farting?

Every day, I like to eat about 2 pounds of refried beans a day, some bacon, lard, link sausages, 3 pounds of cheese, a gallon of milk, and a jar of pickles. My flatulence problems are destroying my life. My wife wants to leave me and take the kids away. My boss threatened to fire me if I can't stop farting... show more Every day, I like to eat about 2 pounds of refried beans a day, some bacon, lard, link sausages, 3 pounds of cheese, a gallon of milk, and a jar of pickles.

My flatulence problems are destroying my life. My wife wants to leave me and take the kids away. My boss threatened to fire me if I can't stop farting in front of clients. When I eat at Mexican restaurants, all of the patrons move their tables or leave. My favorite restaurant forbade me to return. To top it all off, I think one of my child's hospitalizations was due to inhaling copious amounts of my fart gas.

Flatulence is destroying my life and I don't know what to do. I can't change my diet, because other foods make me sick. I've tried Bean-o extra prescription strength and multiple enemas. Nothing seems to work. HELP!
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