When Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag his women , he potatoe sacks them.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no steroids in baseball, only players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives