Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsOther - Family & Relationships · 1 decade ago

Is this cheating? What should I do? Guys and girls please help!?

My boyfriend of 3 years is addicted to the internet. I finally got him to remove all his profiles from several personal sites that I know he used to have at least one one-night stand. I forgave him for that and we've moved on. Recently, he put a password on his computer and changed his password for his email. I told him that I knew he was hiding something from me and I wanted his passwords or I was leaving. He told me that he didn't have to give me anything. I tried to leave and take our son with me, but he stopped me and told me what he was doing. He told me that he was emailing this girl that lives in london. We live in Miss. He said it was a fantasy thing and that I should get over it because it won't go anywhere with her. He told me that it's just really a friend to talk to. I've read the emails she sent him and seen a picture of her. In them she talks about how bad her life is and she thanks God that she met him. Should I feel threatened by this or just let it go? I need advice

36 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well who died and made you God, throwing ultimatums at him. If it would have been me, I would have told you not to let the door hit you on the way out. Everyone is entitled to some privacy. You sound like a very controlling "person" (I'm being nice), Back off. Why do you women think you can run people lives?? You keep up this crap and you will be a lonely old lady.

  • 1 decade ago

    While in the technical sense of the word I wouldn't call this particular episode cheating, it does sound like he's got the cheating bug. I see a lot of deep-seated issues in this relationship from what I've read here, and the problems come from both sides to be sure.

    I can say personally that I do have an account at one personals site (Hotornot) simply because I have fun rating pictures there. Whenever I chat with someone I meet online, I make it very clear in the beginning that I am in a committed relationship and am very happy. And also that I'm only interested in making platonic friends or just having friendly or intellectually stimulating chat, and that I do have a son of my own (which leads to many interesting conversations about parenting as well). You might want to talk to your boyfriend and find out if he's doing the same (although I suspect not).

    Since I don't know you or him or much about either of your particular situations, I may be way off base here, but here it goes anyway. One of two things is happening here. My first thought is that he has a need for something that you do not fulfill. This probably isn't your fault since it's obvious he's not communicating to you what his desires and needs are that are fulfilled by a girl thousands of miles away. Perhaps he's bored with your relationship (or the sex). If he's not going to make the effort to communicate with you, and you want to preserve this relationship, then you'll have to do the leg-work here and find out what it is that Miss London does for him that you are not doing or cannot do. Then you have to find a way to help him fill those needs and desires in a way that involves and satisfies both of you.

    If this is not the case, then he's probably a habitual cheater. Even the world's most perfect woman would bore him eventually. There are plenty of people out there like this, and there's not a lot that can be done about it until the person decides that he wants to change. He may want this girl or that girl (who isn't you) now, but if he were ever to get it he'd eventually be looking ahead to the next girl. Never satisfied and always looking for the next girl to conquer. I guess it's up to you to decide which your boyfriend is and what you need to do about it.

    Another thing that must be considered here is the trust issue, and you obviously don't have any for him. Password-protecting his computer and email is his prerogative, as it is yours. My girlfriend does not read my email and I do not read hers. Privacy has to extend wherever it is necessary, even in a relationship like this. If you honestly need to have his computer and email password in order to be able to trust him, then that is a bad sign. You obviously don't trust him, and there's not really any reason you should given the information here, but you guys need to work on the trust issue and regain trust in each other. For some reason or another, your boyfriend isn't communicating with you, and that's a bad sign. The fact that he's interested in some fantasy with another girl because he's filling some sort of desire proves it, as does the fact that you feel threatened when you can't read his email and look at his web browsing history.

    The bottom line here is that you and him need to have a serious talk about communications and trust, and you both need to work hard on improving both if you want to salvage your relationship and turn it back into a loving and nurturing one. It may be good to get a fresh perspective from someone who knows both of you and knows more about your relationship. Better to ask a neutral party than friends or family since their opinions will likely be biased one way or another. Otherwise you should consider talking to a relationship counselor, your pastor, or anyone else you can trust to give you honest objective advice. You can even email me if you like.

    Good luck, I hope you two can work it out and find your love again.

  • 1 decade ago

    I feel bad for you and the girl he is emailing. He is leading this girl on, or at least that's what it sounds like to me. What I would have to ask is, what is he hiding? Why change the passwords? Are you sure you've seen all the emails that they have exchanged? I don't want to sound like you should give up hope, but he's obviously hiding something or he wouldn't have had passwords, but you are over doing it just a little with checking his email. I know he cheated on you and you said you let it go, but have you really if you have to keep tabs on him? You obviously cannot trust him, so leave and find someone you can.

  • 1 decade ago

    Although he is not married to you, it is an emotional form of infidelity. If he decides to take a trip to England, or she make a trip to the states, then you will know for sure. Nevertheless, he feels he has to rescue this "damsel in distress". There are women out there who know how to use the "poor, poor pitiful me" angle to "Hook" guys that are suckers for it!

    Emotional infidelity can be just as distressing as sexual infidelity, because his mind is always on her which doesn't leave much for you. You have to share him with a "fantasy" that actually exists, and can possibly become a reality! You do have the right to feel jealous. When it comes to my spouse or loved ones, I make no "bones about it" that I don't share. I am very territorial! My spouse feels the same way. On the other hand, some people can't handle someone feeling that way about them. Since you are not married to him, he may not feel obligated to your relationship as you would like. Don't think that because you have a baby together, that he is "locked down to you"! A lot of young women make the mistake of having a baby by a guy they love and believe he will never leave them. That is sooooo wrong and misguided. Whether that was your case is neither here nor there! You will have to weigh your situation because you know your man. Is it worth keeping it going, or do you feel he is not going to change? Don't lie to yourself. It's up to you and him!!

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  • 1 decade ago

    He is obviously hiding more than that if it were all innocent as it seemed then he wouldn't be changing password and having one night stands with other chicks and neglecting you! I say leave his *** your are way too good for him! you need his attention as his wife and the mother of his child more than some stranger in London! and if he is not willing to stop he may have an addiction u should look into like sex addictions and seek counseling and if that don't work and keeps to his old ways leave his *** don't let him stop you have a close friend or family member with when u do decide to leave.and put you and your child's safety first as always if he is abusive you should definitely leave.

  • 1 decade ago

    Sometimes, people really need someone else to talk to besides their parnters. Also, everyone should have privacy. You may let him keep his password and try to trust him that the girl is really in London. However, pay attention to his daily activity. If you are unable to call him or see him at the time you usually can reach him. Or he doesn't want to have too much sex with you as he did before. There must be something. Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    Let me tell you exactly what will happen in 20 steps.

    1. She tells him all her problems.

    2. He sees a chance to be a hero to her, and listen to her.

    3. She misunderstands his intentions, and develops feelings.

    4. He thought she needed a friend, now he sees she likes him.

    5. He starts to see her problems, and tells her about his own.

    6. He analyzes your relationship with him, and starts to find fault.

    7. Miss London starts to seem like a better choice for him.

    8. They confess they have feelings for one another.

    9. Eventually they exchange pictures, nude or otherwise.

    10. Cybering takes place.

    11. He finds himself more and more attracted to her, and not you.

    12. You no longer recieve affection from him.

    13. You are now a roadblock between him and Miss London.

    14. He starts to resent you, and fights more often.

    15. He makes plans to leave you behind your back with her.

    16. She encourages it.

    17. He's confused, and will probably ask if you can love 2 people.

    18. In reality he really just wants to let you down easy.

    19. He plans a trip to meet her.

    20. He's gone. You cry, and start planning a divorce.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Well it certainly is taking away time he could devote to concern for, and caring feelings to his family. Have her(?) emails indicated that she knows he is married and has a child.?

    How would he feel if he found out he was fantasizing about someone who was really a guy, transsexual or transgendered person, using a fake identity on the web?

    Point out to him that it is a problem for you to have him do this to you and affects his family.

    Plus, she(?) may be a SCAMMER, who will end up getting money out of him. How do you know it is a picture of her(?), and not a pic someone took of a girl that looks good enough to keep his attention, or pathetic enough to get him to eventually send whoever it is some cash.

    From Russia, the natasha scam rakes in billions. It is also used in other countries, and those people have learned to relay their email accounts to look like they were originating somewhere else.

    It could also lead to different flings or scams, and he could be practicing for a more available opportunity.

    Any way of finding out about any others he hasn't told you about yet? There may not be any others, but he may have offered this one up in case you insist he stop.

    Put your foot down.

  • 1 decade ago

    You should keep a close eye on it. If he is talking about sex or a relationship, then I would leave. But tell him he can continue if you get to read the emails. Also I would put a keylogger and a program that takes pictures of the computer screen so you know what he is up to. You can download these programs. Just search yahoo for keylogger.

  • 1 decade ago

    Emotional cheating is just as real as physical cheating. I'd say yes, he's cheating on you. Ask him which relationship he values more. If you're better off without him, let him go. If you want to stay with him for your child, then do that. I don't have children nor am I married. However, the relationship doesn't sound like it's satisfying you. Seriously talk to him and attempt to work things out. You definitely have a problem that needs to be fixed.

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