Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

If you are done in your marriage but now your husband wants to go to counseling, do you go?

I haven't been happy for a long time and things just keep getting worse. Now that I am totally done he wants to go to counseling and work it out. I think once the feelings (love) is gone it doesn't come back, any comments?

Update:

more info, we have been married 4 years and have no kids. He has hurt me over and over and when I talk to him he just says he didn't mean to even though he does the same thing over and over. We went to counseling once (he went twice) and even the counselor asked him if he was that dense or just doesn't get it. Anyway, tonight is another session and I just don't feel like going. He is just too simple for me

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm a guy in the same place, but haven't made that decision to end it yet. We just live parallel lives, separate yet together. The other ones, just don't get it and probably never will. This isn't something you come up with on a whim after years and years of what they assume to be normal and happy. I think counseling could help them understand why it is happening and give you a chance to bring some closure to a difficult situation, and that could be a session or two......

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    If you are asking the question you may have doubts you are not aware of. You could set ground rules for the counseling and tell your husband you'll go 3-6 times to check it out. During this time if you are convinced that it's over you could use the counseling time as a way to help facilitate communication as you two dissolve the marriage. It may help things go easier to have an objective view of it.

    In regards to the feelings of once love is gone it doesn't come back, I disagree. I believe that a marriage takes work and sometimes we can become complacent and just get into a rut that seems like it's endless. It can come back. That doesn't mean you should pressure yourself if you truly believe the marriage is over but I think it's worth taking a look at in the short term to be sure. Good Luck

  • 1 decade ago

    I think you owe it to the promise you made - your vows. Even if you aren't doing it for you as a couple or him, do it for your vows.

    If it doesn't work out even after that, at least you'll know that you did everything you could. Plus, therapy could help you solve some problems and shed some light on things so that you will have a healthier relationship next time, if things don't work out.

    At least you have a man who wants to go to counseling. It's not very often that it's the guy that wants to go and initiates it all.

    And, not to jump on you or anything, but "not being happy" isn't really a good reason to leave a marriage. You CAN change your heart, you can fall in love with him again, you CAN choose to stick to your vows.

    The feelings CAN come back. I've seen a couple file for divorce. Couldn't stand to be near each other. Feelings were gone. But they came back before things were final and had a love stronger than any I've ever seen.

    Go to counseling. Give it your all. I think you'll sleep better at night.

  • 1 decade ago

    First of all, if you have kids, you MUST go to counseling first, for their sake if not for your own.

    Secondly, have you ever tried counseling? If not, it might be worth a shot, even if you have already given up.

    If you've tried it a couple of times before and it hasn't worked, chances are it won't work now either.

    Third, this is a major and traumatic decision. Every little bit of help/support you receive is needed. Counseling might just give that to you.

    Fourth, you don't say why you're leaving. If the relationship is fundamentally unhealthy, such as abusive or being taken advantage of to an extreme, get out at once! You can always seek counseling after you are separated.

    Good luck.

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  • 1 decade ago

    well, i'm in the same place. I think that once they know you want out, they get scared and don't want to lose you. Ask yourself, do you want it to work out, or is it too far gone for repair? If you want to give it a shot, then try the counseling. However, if your mind is made up, then you both need to move on. It's really hard. I know that I love my husband cause he's the father of my kids, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't have the same feelings for him and I don't think that I could recover them. There are two many cracks and gaps that formed over the years and it would probably take forever to fix them up. But to answer your question, I think that once the feelings are gone, they're gone. It usually takes a separation and lots of time to realize if you still are in love with the other person. Maybe separating will give each of you space to find yourselves and perhaps each other. I think that counseling compounds the issues.

  • 1 decade ago

    Depends, are you sure you don't love him anymore OR is there something going on within yourself. The reason I ask this is because sometimes when we are not happy, it is not always our spouse that we are not happy with. It's our self. It won't hurt to give counseling a chance. Even if in the end it doesn't work out between the two of you, you may find out things about yourself that will help you in future relationships. Just know that divorce is hard and very emotional. Best of luck to you.

  • 1 decade ago

    It finally hit home with your husband that you were done. I am sorry, it doesn't seem fair of him to try to do this after being so unhappy for so long. I do think you could fall in love again, but it is going to take work. Work he wasn't willing to do before now. If you do decide to do this, please, please make sure you tell him in front of the counsler that you are not making any promises, that they need to know that this is a last ditch effort. No one should be unhappy, and it would be easier for you just to walk away. Not to drag all the old hurts and painful memories to the surface again. He is asking alot of you, are you strong enough not to just give in again before making sure that this is going to be a healthy happy relationship for you. If you are unsure, then keep walking. If you can leave with knowing that you have done your very best at this marriage, and it just wasn't working then walk. I don't like divorce, but it's beginning to grown on me. lol There are sometimes for our peace of mind-our sanity that there is no other choice. If you do decide to do the counseling, I would pick the counsler, make sure it someone you are comfortable with and feel like you can trust with your feelings and best interests not only his. God bless...

  • 1 decade ago

    Love can come back. Things seem to keep getting worse because you have convinced yourself that you don't want to be there. The vows you said to your husband on the you got married must have meant something. On of the vows was till death do us part and I feel that you have not given your marriage all you have, if your husband is willing to go to counseling then you need to try. You walk away until all avenues have been exhausted.

  • Astro
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Oh, I've soooo been there. I kicked my husband out, and he wanted to go to counseling and work it out. After one session the counselor looked at me and offered separate counseling. After only one session I knew that I was so done. I didn't want to work things out, I didn't want to be married anymore, so I divorced him. And I have been extremely happy since. I've never regretted my decision. It was the right thing to do. If you know it's over, and you don't want to work on it, then walk away.

  • 1 decade ago

    Hey

    Yes you do! you promised to love that person thru thick and thin. Also counceling isnt saying that your going to stay together, often times it will help you two seperate and if you have children it will help you to focus on what you should really focus on. Dont be foolish, go for yourself as well as your marriage. We dont get married to be seperated or divorced! We get married for companionship and love! If there were hurtful things that happend during your union, the least you can do for that same union is allow yourself time to repair or to seperate from it in a healthy mannor. Let your spouse know okay you will go, but that is no promise that you and he will stay together, but your willing to try everything, so you can walk away will a clear conchise! Tell him to make the appt, or you do it, consider his schedule and yours, and go by all means! Trust me, I have been there ready to walk away, but We went to counceling. And it helped. Marriage is a work in progress!

    I hope this helps, take care

    NOW GO!

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