No you're not crazy - you've two thing happening here and you need to separate them for you daughter's sake. 1st thing is what would make you ex say that? and why the GF lie about it? (that's still the first thing) second - it sounds like you have a good grasp of what a 4 year old can handle and want to protect your daughter, SO - Did you cheat on your husband? (I'm not judging at all!!!I'm asking because that';s what the judge will ask and you need to be prepared) is this the 1st time ex has thrown this in your face? Did you call the Police on him as she accused? (again no judgement, please am just trying to understand the big picture) If you did and if it was warranted then you need another approach.
Regardless of the above questions I have, you're husband acting in a totally irresponsible manner, to bad-mouth the mother of his child and to try to sway her affection is beyond reproach. You need to have your ducks in a row for that next meeting and remember a couple of things: you don't get your child rights taken away because you cheated, as long as your daughter wasn't physically or emotionally hurt by the action and it doesn't sound like she was (if it's even true) One thing (stereotype of males coming ALERT!!!) that guys do when their back is against the wall is to typically break you down for the thing you do the best... My first husband was all about telling me I was stupid (175 IQ, and I'm street smart... so I don't think so) my second husband was all about I was a bad Mom and when he saw that wasn't working (it couldn't I knew I was a GREAT mom) , it was that I worked too much...Anyway - just be prepared, know why he's saying that, find out why he would try to poison his own daughter's opinion of her Mother, If he hurt you and you called the Police about it, then the gloves are off, and you need to be honest with your girl. Is the Girlfriend cool at all? If she has kids herself, she may see through what he's trying to do and if you could speak to her, she may be an allie....Good Luck Sister...Let us knw what happens