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Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

My husband asked for a divorce and then recanted?

I caught my husband talking to an ex girlfriend online on Monday. He had been flirting with her and they both said they would date eachother. I told him what I found and he said it would never happen again and I spoke with her and she said she didn't mean to cause problems and would not talk to him anymore. Then yesterday, I was upset so not in the best mood and told my husband I couldn't trust him. Well he went out to get our daughter medicine and went to the bar instead....without telling me. 4 hours later I find him at the bar and told him I needed her medicine and he needed to leave NOW. We get home and he starts telling me he wants a divorce and I need to call the lawyer in the morning. This went on for 2 hours and then he went to bed. He even started discussing what I should pack. Now today he keeps saying he would never divorce me and that he loves me etc. He expects me to just let it go and I just don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long but I would appreciate ANY advice.

Update:

I also have a 1 year old daughter to think about too.

16 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

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    Hello,

    My heart goes out to you. You are having to deal with a daughter who needs medicine, and a husband and father that is neglecting you and our daughter.

    He is going through a selfish phase. I call it a phase, because when sober, he knows he doesn't want to split...

    but something is driving him to think to solve his unresolved problems by going outside the marriage, ... or he HAS been thinking that way.

    Possibly thinking with the head that is not the one between his shoulders.

    It is common for some people to be so lazy as to think their inner needs can be resolved by turning outward.

    BOTH of you need to refresh the marriage.

    YOU know him best, so you can easily pander to his needs that have surfaced so strongly. If you start flirting and giving him what he wants, he'll starting acting giddy around YOU again.

    But at the same time, let him know:

    >>> that YOU have been feeling that he is not doing any work on the marriage either.

    >>>that he might go outside the marriage and get sex, BUT will that give him the best-friend you are to him

    will that give him the trust you two have had together

    will that give him the respect you given each other all these years?

    Remind him that he doesn't have any of that with this X or any other woman. Say it all with total confidence of a sales person that knows their product.

    then ask:

    >>>how long does JUST the sex last? answer this yourself, TWO months tops, and then what?

    ...at that point, shut up, and walk out of the room.

    HE needs to stop thinking like an adolescent, and work on the marriage too. Let him know that although he is still the man of your dreams, you are disappointed in his shallow approach to easily solvable marital problems. Tell him, only shallow Cheats and Sluts go outside the marriage looking for a solution, and that you are SURE he's not that low; and all he needs to do is give you what you both want, WHILE you give it to him too.

    Then, Mrs.___ you need to rearrange your schedule, and probably his schedule too, so that you two have some time EVERY week just the two of you. It's always a smart move.

    Plus, begin again to do the subtle touches, rubs, flirtly smiles, and special things, simple as bringing his coffee TO him; and other little things that you know he will appreciate.

    Purse your lips for little kisses as payment, and give him the flirty eye when ever possible. Get back your girly flirty self for him...he misses that, and probalby you miss that part of you too.

    These things, and others you already know, will do the job.

    If this case is so terrible that you need more, both of you see a marriage counselor. YOU can begin that process alone, and then HE WILL come.

    I wish you love

    stw

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  • Julie
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Your husband is obviously confused about what he wants. If he is having an affair, he is unsure as to whether he wants to leave you or not. Lets be honest here, if he has done it before then there's a 95% chance that he's doing it again. Calling the woman could cause you more problems. Some woman would get a huge kick from it and rub it in your face, other's would deny it, then tell him. He will be furious that you called her and this will come back to you when he gets home. You've been burnt once so if he wasn't having an affair he should be understanding and reassure you that he isn't messing about with this other woman. However, if he is aggresive and defensive then that is vindicative of a guilty man. My advice, call him on it. Get the divorce rolling and present it to him when he comes home. Give him a shocking welcome home by letting him know what he is going to lose. Confront him about the affair and let him know that you don't believe his denial (if he is irrate when questioned). If you do decide to call the other woman make sure you have a way of recording the call first and test the method. Then if she admits it she will ensure your case. I wish you all the best. Good Luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    He is obviously going through some sort of mid-life crisis. And the reason you had a huge fight and he said he wanted a divorce is ,for lack of a better term, you stepped on his dick. Not only once but twice, he is embarrassed that you called the girl and then you drug him out of the bar! You busted his ego. Guys need and ego for some reason, he should have dropped off the medicine and told you that he needed some alone time and that he was going to go have a few drinks. A drunk man backed into a corner with and angry wife will say very hurtful things just to get the problem to go away. Next time, just ask him if he would please return with the medicine before testosterone time kicks in and he goes out. He needs to feel wanted and desired, thus the flirting with the other chick. All men I think go through this at some point, he is just making sure he is still a desirable man.....you need to make sure everyday that you let him know how important he is to you and your kid, and that you think he is hot enough to make your blood boil. Don't lose sight of that. Why not try to flirt with him on a daily basis and see if that helps to curb his appetite, if not and he cheats on you leave his ***.

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  • kitcat
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Well, one thing you said you find him at the bar so obvious he had little too much to drink and just starting running off at the mouth. I don't know why men expect us to let stuff go like that.....we take divorce seriously and they use like they waving a flag or something. Looks like you and your husband needs to sit down and have serious talk and might need some counseling. Because obviously after he had a sober mind, he realize that it was not what he wanted but he needs to be more careful what he says because next time you could take it serious. Good luck.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    He has shown you a major amount of disrespect as well as your marriage. You shouldn't let him off easy, but don't be a total bi*ch about it either, Make him aware that what he did was the same as cyber sex or an outright affair. You want to get things back on track and that you both need to talk and deal with the problem. If he repeats his behavior, you need to divorce. You need to keep in mind that the behavior that he is going to teach your daughter is going to effect her throughout life, and stop using her as a crutch. People who stay together for the sake of the child only harm the child when disrespect is being taught to that child.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Is your husband in his early, or middle, forties?

    Have he dreams and hopes been put on hold to a large degree?

    Does he think his life is not going to turn out as he hoped?

    Its crushing!

    Your choice is to abandon him, or ride the wild bronco of a situation.

    If you decide to ride, there will be tough moments.

    However, the ride lasts about 3, or 4, years, then he will slowly get back in his cage ....at least what HE considers a cage.

    Then you'll have to live with his despondency.

    Marriages don't stay constant.

    However, hard work on the part of both parties can make it wortwhile.

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  • jojo
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    probably he had only just started talking to his x when u caught him, and now that u know about it he wont do it again , u confronted them both. but if hes looking towards other women then theres a problem in ur marrige and id ask him why hes feeling the way he is and try to work it out from there. i think he does really still love u , i just think that theres an underlying problem between u 2 that u can work out , good luck and give him a second chance!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I don't want to cause problems but it sounds to me like he's a very self absorb guy. He may be having problems and you may be having marital problems but to not come home with your child's medication and instead going to a bar to drink alcohol is stupid and inconsiderate...most of all irresponsible!!! Considering all those things that he's told you and having the knowledge that he's plotting infidelity maybe you should be the one to talk to your lawyer. Chances are...he may be telling you to forget it but trying to talk to the lawyer first. You're right...you have a child to think about...which obviously he isn't! Best wishes and take care.

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  • 1 decade ago

    If you have the ability to let it go, and he has the ability to be faithful, I say give him a chance. If all he has done is talk to her, then there is no REAL harm done. But if he has secret intentions of continuing this extracurricular activity, then it's time for you and your child to start moving on. Talk to him, make him talk to you....talk to someone else together if you have to. Get all the facts and make a decision. Just make sure you have all the facts first, good and bad.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    well its possible he just said it in a drunken rage and doesnt really mjean it i think u shud give it a chance..let him know he was wrong to say it and u dont appreciate it at all..but there is still hope u cant throw away a marriage over one comment that was made in a questionable state!!! maybe even counselling would help i wish u the best goodluck.

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