John asked in 社會與文化語言 · 1 decade ago

請幫我修一下大學自薦的Essay

  Hello, my name is _____. I was born in Taiwan and I am 17 years old now. There are 4 members in my family: father, mother and an elder brother. My father and mother works in industries for automobile-parts and accessories. My brother is still studying in college. I was graduated form Kuang-Jen junior high school of Taiwan. Since 2005, I went to American and now I am studying in Cheshire Academy.

  My character is amiable and enthusiasm. I enjoy talking with friends and do group activity. I usually help my friends when they have trouble. We are mutual persuade each other effort.

  I am interested in mathematics since I was in junior high school. I have took an examination in my school and won the third winner in contest. I also interested in Chemistry and Psychology. Chemistry attract me to understand truth of world. Psychology let us to inquire into public feeling. My aspiration is to be a business man. For the future, I will study about Business Psychology or Department of Business Administration and to help my parents enterprise.

  I estimating next year to take have connection with business class to enrich myself. I will study college in American and to graduate school then go back Taiwan help my parents.

小弟我剛出國一年

目前就讀11年級

英文剛學 不是很好 許多單字都查字典

有些字詞不了解是否用的妥當

還有 我的文法真的很爛 文法錯誤應該有一堆=.=

還有編排方面不曉的拿捏的可不可以...

(內容方面...請別當真....有些只是討好老師罷了@@\")

另外 老師要我寫500字的Essay

我寫這樣就寫不下去了 不知道還有什麼可以寫

可否推薦一下 我還可以寫什麼???

Update:

關於每行結尾單字並不連接 不知是奇摩知識編排問題還是我用Word直接貼上的問題  請多多包涵!

Update 2:

請問我這樣寫才大約200多字

可不可以告訴我還有什麼可以寫??

我要湊到500字說

3 Answers

Rating
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your essay looks pretty good,however i just made some changes.Hello, my name is _____. I was born in Taiwan and I am currently 17 years old. There are 4 members in my family: father, mother, my elder brother and me. My father and mother work in industries for automobile-parts and accessories. My brother is still studying in college. I was graduated form Kuang-Jen junior high school of Taiwan. Since 2005, I went to American and now I am studying in Cheshire Academy.  My character is amiable and enthusiastic. I enjoy talking with friends and participate in group activities. I always offer  help to my friends when they are in trouble. We are always encouraging each other and being supportive.  I am interested in mathematics since I was in junior high school. I have took an examination in my school and won the third place in contest. I also interested in Chemistry and Psychology. Chemistry attracts me to understand th truth of the world. Psychology leads us to read people's mind as well as to understand more about core of psychological term in the society. My aspiration is to be a business man. In the future, I will study about Business Psychology or Business Administration and to assist with my parents' enterprise.  I am expecting to study something related to business next year to enhance my knowledge in this area. I will study college in the states and then graduate school before I go back to Taiwan to help my parents.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

     Hello, my name is _____. I born in Taiwan and I'm 17 years old right now. There are 4 people in my family, my dad, mom and a older brother. My dad and my mom works in industries for automobile-parts and accessories. My brother is still a colege student. I was graduated form Kuang-Jen mid school at Taiwan. I went to American at 2005 and now I am studying at Cheshire Academy.

      My character is amiable and enthusiasm. I enjoy talking with my friends and doing group activity. I usually help my friends when they have problems. We are mutual persuade each other effort.

      I am interested in math since I was in mid school. I had take an examination in my school and won the contest. I also interested in Chemistry and Psychology. Chemistry attract me to understand truth of world and i know more science and some nature things. Psychology let us to inquire into public feeling. My dream is to be a business person. i think i'll take business class after i go to college that after i graguate from college than i can help my dad to control the businese

    Source(s): me
  • 1 decade ago

    father, mother and an elder brother-----> 這裡的 Father, Mother 要記得用大寫呦!!

    2006-04-20 16:31:18 補充:

    My character is amiable and "enthusiasm".

    enthusiasm-->這個字是名詞 你不能這樣用啦! 要是形容詞enthusiastic (但是這個詞在這還是不太恰當)

    2006-04-20 16:33:34 補充:

    I enjoy talking with friends and "do" group activity.

    ---->因為前面是enjoy 所以這個動詞要記得加ing 這裡用joining 或是 participating 會比 doing好

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