Anonymous
Anonymous asked in 社會與文化語言 · 1 decade ago

我的英文自傳~請給我有關文法.慣用語和內容的意見~20點

This is my personal statement for addmission to the University of Washington in Seattle. Please give me some advice about grammer, fluency, and ideas. Thanks!

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Back in the 80s, the first ten years of my life, there were only 3 national TV channels operating in Taiwan, and all of them were under strictly supervision by the government. Then the communication industry started to grow rapidly in the following 10 years. Suddenly, every family has a cable TV system installed with over 100 channels to choose from. At the same time, the press business became more vigorous, not to mention the progress of Internet technology directly accessed individuals to the whole world.

When I felt about all those changes for the first time, I was amazed by the overflow of information and entertainments that were produced by the variety of medias. What factors cause that eruptive growing of the industry? Why people could adjust their lifestyles from paucity to obesity of information provided by medias? Does the same thing happen in the same way in the other countries? And which direction will the whole industry in Taiwan go next? These questions appear every time when I see a media established, or else, disappeared. My sensitivity of the infinite possibility in the field of communication made me choose this major when admitting to National Taiwan University of Arts. The two and a half year of studying in TV and Radio production department had given me broad and basic knowledge about communication field, such as TV, Broadcasting, Journalism, Internet, and Public Relations. I was especially interested in the development of communication industries around the world, and willing to pursue a career to do with the interflow of communication assets between countries. However, the educational system in Taiwan is in a fixed structure. Although I was able to adapt to this system from elementary through high school, I felt the needs to be in a free and resourceful environment when studying in a professional area. While in National Taiwan University of Arts, I didn’t get to choose many of my courses, so my interest in international communication was hardly satisfied.

April 02, 2003, my mother announced that we were accepted for the immigration visa to the United States. This was a turning point of my life. I got to choose to either stay and finish the degree without my family, or take the chance to where I might have more liberty to study for my interest. Of course I knew that moving to another country would be definitely tough, but I was not afraid of challenges. I saw this as the opportunity of a lifetime, and also wanted to be with my mother who had struggled to raise my two younger brothers and me by herself. Because my visa was going to expire in 20 days, which was the day of my 21st birthday, we flew to the States in a rush. Living temporally in my uncle’s house and starting our lives from zero, I soon realized that I needed to postpone my education and get a job. The decision was painful, but I never forgot to tell myself that getting back to school would be my first priority once I was settled.

It took me a year to adjust my lifestyle, make my working schedule stable, and get a driver’s license. Meanwhile, I also did my research for schools in Washington. It was the most exciting moment when I found out the Evening Degree Program provided by UW has communication major available, and even more, concentration courses in International Communication. I determined the program as my goal at once, and devoted my second year in the United States to preparing for the admission.

Being a person who doesn’t allow the hard work to stop her passion, I believe that I deserve to make the best of my work in UW. The amazed feeling that I had when I first realized the power of medias has always been a spark that motivates me. I know that UW Evening Degree Program is the perfect spot for me to observe the trend of communication. And with my enthusiasm, sensitivity, and tenacity, it will be a glory to make my contribution to the society as a UW graduate.

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The essay above is composed according to the following instruction:

The personal statement should be a comprehensive essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

Please address the following topics as they pertain to you:

Feel free to write about them in whatever format or approach seems most appropriate. Ideally, your entire statement should not exceed two pages.

Academic Elements (required)

Academic History

Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.

Explain any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you transferred multiple times, had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, explain.

What are the specific reasons you wish to leave your most recent college/university and/or program of study?

Your Major and/or Career Goals

Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations.

Are you prepared to enter your intended major at this time? If not, describe your plans for preparing for the major. What led you to choose this major? If you are still undecided, why? What type of career are you most likely to pursue after finishing your education?

How will the UW help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?

Personal Elements (required)

Cultural Understanding

Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you?

NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly. Cultural understanding is often drawn from the ethnic background, customs, values, and ideas of a person's immediate family, community, and/or social environment in which they live.

Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships (if applicable)

Describe any personal or imposed challenges or hardships you have overcome in pursuing your education.

Examples: a serious illness, a disability, first generation in your family to attend college, significant financial hardship or responsibilities associated with balancing work, family and school.

Experiential Learning (if applicable)

Describe your involvement in research, community service, artistic endeavors, and work (paid or volunteer), and the ways in which it has contributed to your academic, career or personal goals.

Additional Comments (optional)

Do you have a compelling academic or personal need to attend the University of Washington-Seattle at this time? Is there anything else you would like us to know?

4 Answers

Rating
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The changes I made are in ( ). If there is an empty ( ) that means I deleted something. I did not try to make your grammar perfect, you should get someone you know to do that for you if you want all your grammatical mistakes fixed. I think it's OK to leave some mistakes though, whoever reads your essay will know that you are not a native speaker and maybe it's a good thing to retain some of your originality. It's more important to show them who you really are anyways. By the same token, I also didn't change most of your wording.

    I suggest you start on a more personal note. Introduce youself to the person reading this essay before you start talking about the TV industry in Taiwan. One thing to keep in mind: Always leave 2 spaces after a period. And the word "media" does not have a plural form. In fact, media is the plural form of medium. But when talking about communication the word media is used more often than medium.

    I really like the second half of your statement about your experience moving to the US. I think you should put that first. The person reading your statement wants to know who you are as a person before they read about who you are academically.

    Also, what do you plan on doing with your degree from UW? It's unclear from your statment what you eventual goal is. You mention a lot about Taiwan so whoever reading this may think that you intend on going back to Taiwan. Maybe you should say something about wanting to use your degree to pursue an international career or a career in the US.

    The only good thing about UW that you mentioned is that they have a night-time program. Remember, it is also important to tell the school why you are interested in them. Maybe you can say some more good things about the school. Perhaps, at the end, mention how much an honor, and how much of a dream-come-true it would be for you if you were accepted by UW.

    Good Luck!

    ps. have a friend who is a native-speaker check your grammar and wording if you really want to have things perfect. By the way, for someone who has only been here for 2 years, your English is really really good.

    ********************************************************************

    Back in the 80s, (during) the first ten years of my life, there were only 3 national TV channels operating in Taiwan, and all of them were under strict( ) supervision by the government. Then the communication industry started to grow rapidly in the following 10 years. Suddenly, every family has a cable TV system installed with over 100 channels to choose from. At the same time, the press business became more vigorous, not to mention the progress of Internet technology directly (connected) individuals to the whole world.

    When I (realized) all those changes for the first time, I was amazed by the overflow of information and entertainment( ) that were produced by the variety of media( ). What factors cause(d) (the) eruptive growing of the industry? Why people could adjust their lifestyles from paucity to obesity of information provided by media( )? Does the same thing happen in the same way in the other countries? And which direction will the whole industry in Taiwan go next? These questions appear (in my mind) every time I ( saw) a media (being) established (or when one) disappeared. My sensitivity of the infinite possibility in the field of communication made me choose (my) major when admitting to National Taiwan University of Arts. The two and a half year of studying in TV and Radio production department had given me broad and basic knowledge about communication field, such as TV, Broadcasting, Journalism, Internet, and Public Relations. I was especially interested in the development of communication industries around the world, and willing to pursue a career to do with the interflow of communication assets between countries. However, the educational system in Taiwan is in a fixed structure. Although I was able to adapt to this system from elementary through high school, I felt the needs to be in a free and resourceful environment when studying in a professional area. While in National Taiwan University of Arts, I didn’t get to choose many of my courses, so my interest in international communication was hardly satisfied.

    (On) April ( )2, 2003, my mother announced that we were accepted for the immigration visa to the United States. This was a turning point of my life. I got to choose to either stay and finish the degree without my family, or take the chance to where I might have more liberty to study for my interest. Of course I knew that moving to another country would be definitely tough, but I was not afraid of challenges. I saw this as the opportunity of a lifetime, and also wanted to be with my mother who had struggled to raise my two younger brothers and me by herself. Because my visa was going to expire in 20 days, which was the day of my 21st birthday, we flew to the States in a rush. Living temporally in my uncles house and starting our lives from (ground) zero, I soon realized that I needed to postpone my education and get a job. The decision was painful, but I never forgot to tell myself that getting back to school would be my first priority once I was settled.

    It took me a year to adjust my lifestyle, make my working schedule stable, and get a driver’s license. Meanwhile, I also did my research for schools in Washington. It was the most exciting moment when I found out the Evening Degree Program provided by UW has communication major available, and even more, concentration courses in International Communication. I determined the program as my goal at once, and devoted my second year in the United States to preparing for the admission.

    Being a person who doesn't allow the hard work to stop her passion, I believe that I deserve to make the best of my work in UW. The amaz(ing) feeling that I had when I first realized the power of media( ) has always been a spark that motivates me. I know that UW Evening Degree Program is the perfect spot for me to observe the trend of communication. And with my enthusiasm, sensitivity, and tenacity, (I believe I can make glorious contribution to society) as a UW graduate.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Save the grammatical errors, it is a great essay.

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  • 1 decade ago

    純建議^^

    1. were under strictly* supervision --> strict supervision

    2. every family has* a cable --> had a cable

    3. directly accessed individuals to the whole world.

    --> gave individuals direct access to the whole world

    4. When I felt about all those changes--> When I became aware of all those

    5. when I see a media established*, or else, disappeared*

    -->when I see the establishment of a media, or else, the disappearance

    6. two and a half year of studying* in -- study

    7. the TV and Radio Production Department

    8. and willing* to pursue --> was willing to

    9. found out* the Evening Degree Program --> found out about

    10. provided by UW has* communication major available --> was comunication

    11. had* concentration courses in International Communication

    Otherwise, a good statement.

    Source(s): american moi
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  • 1 decade ago

    Living temporally in my uncle’s house and starting our lives from zero,

    It should be"Living temporarily..."

    You made the second paragraph too long. Most readers will object to a long paragraph. They feel that it is tiresome and boring.

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