我要英文的短文 新聞 故事 笑話 ....
- 2 decades agoFavorite Answer
Who was drinking more?
On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.
The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.
They each injured themselves and not the other.
It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
LOS ANGELES - Keanu Reeves, who traveled through time in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" and took on humanity's machine conquerors in "The Matrix" flicks, has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Reeves, 40, was honored with the star Monday for a career that includes such films as the action thrillers "Speed" and "Point Break," the romances "Something's Gotta Give" and "A Walk in the Clouds" and the dramas "Little Buddha" and "My Own Private Idaho."
His star was placed along Hollywood Boulevard near the spot where some action scenes in "Speed" were filmed.
Reeves said he was proud "to be honored with stars from the past and present," and he acknowledged his mother, Patrick Reeves, who was at the ceremony.
"When I was 15 years old in Canada, I did a play called `Romeo and Juliet,'" Reeves said. "I asked my mom if it was OK to be an actor, and she said, `Whatever you want.' So thanks, Mom."
The honor came two weeks before the release of Reeves' next movie, "Constantine," adapted from the DC Comics series. Reeves stars as the title character, a man with visions of angels and devils on Earth who battles to dispatch demons back to the underworld.
"I've been pleased to work with so many wonderful stars through the years," Reeves said. "This has been an amazing journey. I hope it continues."
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
A Prayer so Powerful
A prayer so powerful, it sends a shockwave through the heavens, the earth and all time.
"So," I asked furtively, "did you get an answer?"
My wife giggled mischievously.
I don't remember exactly when that was, but now, with our first daughter's hand in mine as we ascended in the hospital elevator, it really didn't matter.
* * *
"What are you looking for?" my wife asked.
"You know," I drummed my fingers on the list, shaking my head. "But I don't like any of them."
"You just need---"
"Something powerful!" I finished for her. "Something with breadth, and length, and depth, and height..." I inhaled to sigh, but the salt air tingled my tongue, and tasted... "Like the sea," I breathed aloud.
"Well then, we're half-way there!" my wife's eyes danced.
"The second half I bet."
I hadn't noticed it before, but she held a list of her own. I took it and flattened it onto the table with my palms. Bending closer, I consider each item, but at the same time, I felt her gaze upon me as though it were the most important thing. "You have a preference," I said without looking up."
* * *
"Carissa?" our eldest asked, stepping timidly into the hospital room.
Before I could respond, she forgot her caution and darted to my wife's bedside to stare at the swaddled bundle.
"Say hi to your big sister," my wife whispered into the blankets, exposing our new daughter.
"Perfect!" our eldest laughed. "She looks like a Carissa!"
My wife's eyes met mine, and she giggled mischievously.
- For Carissa Oceana Bubien, Born January 6th, 2004.
- written by M. Stanley Bubien
A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of willpower. She'd made her family's favourite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they'd eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she'd polished off the cake, she knew her husband whould be disappointed. "What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked. "He never fond out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."Source(s): 讀者文摘
- Anonymous2 decades ago
Why don't you go to www.google.com
type in Short stories...
you'll have more than you ever need...
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- angelLv 72 decades ago
A Penguin Joke!
One day a man and his wife were walking down the street when they came across a penguin.
"Oh!" exclaimed the man. "What a surprise! What shall we do with it?:
"I know,"said his wife. "We'll ask a policeman."
So they found a policeman and explained whtat had happened.
"Mmm,"said the policeman, "I think the best thing is to take it to the zoo."
"What a good idea!"said the woman. "We'll go there straight away."
The next morning the policeman was walking down the same street when he saw the couple aain with the penguin.
"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo," the policeman said.
"Well, we did," said the man. "We took it to the zoo and we all had a really good time. So this afernoon we're taking it to the cinema, and this evening we're going to have a meal in a fish restaurant."Source(s): 只有一篇