Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Can I forgive my wife for being in an affair?

My wife had an affair for 10 months with a supposed friend of mine. She confessed it to me and disclosed everything. She said she regrets what she's done and wants our marriage to work and does not know what she was thinking.

As I spoke to her, she revealed a lot of things that lead me to believe this was a mentally abusive relationship. Mindgames, ultimatums and threats were used to keep her from ending the affair several times. She has completely cut ties with her former partner but now he is stalking her.

I confronted her six months ago and she denied the affair. I saw all the signs but chose to ignore them. We still had a lot of affection, but both of us were not into each other intimately for a time. I used to imagine going out of the marriage but would never do it...

When you really think about the intricacies of these situations, its not so black and white -- I swore I'd leave w/o a second thought. But now its not so clear.

What do you think?

32 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Only my advice, and I don't know if there are any correct answers. The first thing is to agree with your wife to keep the problem to yourselves and to professionals only. One of the biggest obsticles to finding a solution is the hurt parties pride, so the less people that know, the less impact on both of your self esteem. Don't answer to rumours, show a solid front.

    The next thing is to find a councilor and talk through the chink that happened which opened up the possibility of an affair. In any partnership there are weak moments where we find the other is not perfect, and someone else can take advantage of that weakness. So finding out how to be each others support and being able to communicate at those weak times reduces the possibility of a reoccurance.

    Look at your own life at the same time. Cut out anything which is inappropriate now as well.

    Seek advice on how you can stop the stalking. Sounds like an AVO would be a good idea. Both of you need to protect yourselves and each other from this predator.

    If you have a belief in God, share your troubles with him, if not just use whatever you use to hold your ideals high. I can see by your question that you are highly intelligent, and want to make this work. It also sounds like your wife is genuinely trying as well. Build on this and support each other. There can be no secrets from each other anymore, secrets cause lies, and lies lead to lies..

    Remenber there are no perfect people, just those of us that have fallen.. the ones that manage to pick themselves up, usually go on to become stronger. Good Luck and God Bless

  • 1 decade ago

    I agree. It's not so black & white. In spite of denying the affair 6 months ago, she did come forward at last. You have to search your own heart now. If you think you can rebuild the trust in your relationship, and you both want things to work, I think it may be possible. If you know you will never quite trust her again, I don't think it's fair for either of you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you no longer trust? Is she going to be happy knowing her husband does not trust her? Only you can answer this one. Good Luck

  • 1 decade ago

    If you really think u do want to be with her and love her and can forgive that and if she really is sorry ..give this a chance. Look at what you might have done for her to look outside of the marriage, may be there was something. The 2 of you should speak to someone.

    And no one becomes second-hand just cos they had sex with someone else, and if you want this to work and love her, your love should not be that affected by this. It will take a while - but give it a try. All people just want to quit so damn easily these days.

  • 1 decade ago

    Hmmm cant believe women can do this to u huh ?? lolz ..... well my girl did the same thing to me ......... i did forgive her coz i loved her too much to let her go ...... in the end she did leave me after 8 months ..... stating i knew too much bout her past n it wud never work out lolz ....

    wud i change anything if i can ? No .... i loved her every bit and still do ....... but thats not a gud thing n its a weakness which will not go away ever ........

    its been 3 years ....

    life is all about doing what you will never regret later on in life ...... statistics show if u can forgive ur spouse once for having an affair it will work out if they r really sorry bout it ...... statistics didnt work for me though ..... n even i thought her actions were a result of abuse though that had nothing to do with me but was from a previous relationship ...... nyways i love her n my bad luck she doesnt ......

    wud advice u not to be the one to be left ....... its always worse to be left than leaving ....

    Source(s): personal experience n if u think its a lie read the answer agian ....... cant u figure out the frustration ?
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  • 1 decade ago

    if you really think she is being totaly honest about it then forgive her. Easier said than done. Find out why she did it. But dont take the blame. Women try to blame a man for they're infidelity but dont accept this. If she had a problem with you then she should have said something. Try and work it out. Counseling may be good. Start over, go out. But dont have sex. I gurantee that if you have sex with her you will be tormented by what she did. Fix the emotional part of the relationship first.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think that you should give it time and if you realize that you can actually trust her again then you should stay with her. But theres some problems for one you will always use it against her when you get into an argument about something else and you will never ever forget it. I think that you should not let her get off the hook so easy and tell her that she has to build her trust with you agian and if she asks how then you say that is for her to figure out since she did what she did then she needs to deal with the consequences. The best advice I can give you is to let time tell.

  • 1 decade ago

    My friend, you said she denied the affair six months ago, she was having a great time I bet, few months after she revealed she was in a mentally abusive relationship and wanted to end the affair but couldn't, sound like bs to me that indicates she wants to portray herself as a victim, remember it takes 2 to tango.

    I think if she did it once she might do it again. We are humans, and we are doomed to fail. You might want to consider STD testing.

    Your call man,

    Good Luck

  • 1 decade ago

    Looking in from the outside and not knowing anyone involved in this it is kind of tough to judge. But I would say that if it happened to me, I wouldn't be able to go on any further because I would feel totally "taken-for-granted". Plus, if she was able to go through with it once, whats keeping her from doing it again 5, 10, 15 years down the line? If you let her off the hook, subconsciously she will think that what she did wasn't that bad, and won't have as hard of time doing it again in the future.

    I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye everyday and tell her that I loved her anymore after that!

    Source(s): Women are from Pluto, Men are from Uranus; MajickalxB
  • 1 decade ago

    Sexuality is not the issue here, the issue is trust. Let us be open and honest about it, just because she had sex with another man, just because someone else was with her...that means nothing to your relationship. Sex means nothing, so scratch it, scratch the affair, scratch the idea from your mind and concentrate on one particular facet...the only important one...

    Trust.

    This has hurt your trust with her, this has hurt your intimacy, and rightfully so. However, Love conquer's many things...do you think your love can conquer this? Human beings make mistakes, however there are many mistakes that are made that can be overcome, and many mistakes that can not be...

    If you feel your love for her is great enough to overcome the pain and psychological problems you will face, if you feel her love is great enough to overcome her mistake...if you feel you can trust her again, then do so...and if not, you will only prolong the pain.

  • 1 decade ago

    if the luv iz strong then ur luv can overcome this its not eazy but u can overcome this trust me been their done that....but u have 2 want to fix it if its been goin down hill 4 a while now this is ur chance 2 B free go back in the singles market.. have crazy mad sex turn ur house into the ultimate batchlor pad never ever get a locked in 2 another relationship. go clubbing every weekend and make many new friends (sex bubs)...tell the girls @ work that ur feelings r hurt maybe their someone over that likes u n has been waiting 4 this 2 happen..get laid my man

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