promotion image of download ymail app
Promoted

Will you tell me how my story sounds?

So, I just started writing it. I know there are grammatical errors and my writing isn't the best (I'm only 13). After reading it over once, I realized it does sound a little like Twilight, but it's just some of their powers and they are in no way vampires and they do NOT sparkle.

I tapped my foot on the floor impatiently. My sisters were taking forever in the movie restrooms. In a way, I suppose that was good. It did give me more time to formulate a plan. We had ran 50 miles to the movie theater, but it was 10:45 now; raining; and dark. People would be abashed to see three teenage girls running down the streets. I knew we could effortlessly make it home within 20 minutes, however people might see us blur by their cars.

Sometimes I wished my sisters and I were normal; that we had parents; that we weren’t the ones to have a huge task resting on our shoulders; that I wasn’t the one that was the leader of our group. Even though I was the youngest (it was only by a year, though), I had chose what we did and when we did it.

Belatedly, my sisters came out of their stalls; slowly washing their hands. I realized they were giving me time to think of what we could do to get home. Taking a cab wouldn’t be the best move, either. I nodded at them once and we left the restrooms, walking through the halls. “Any ideas?” my sister Carla asked.

“We can run, but we’ll have to go fast,” I answered. Thankfully, we had eaten snacks throughout the movie, giving us extra energy to run on.

“Will you shield us, Rosalina?” my other sister, Clarissa, asked.

I did have the potency to produce a shield that covered me, and whoever I picked, to not get water on themselves. The only problem was it took most of my vigor and drive to do it. “Fine, I will.”

We walked outside into the ran, past all the people, and down into an alleyway where no one was. I stood in the middle, taking both one of each of my sister’s hands. We starting running, picking up the pace as we went. If someone happened to see us, we would only be a blur in their imagination. I could make out my sisters perfectly well, though.

Carla and Clarissa, their perfectly straight auburn hair pulled back in the same style. Our faces were pretty much the same, but I had wavy brown hair that was much longer than theirs. I supposed I could cut my hair, but my appearance had never changed in the 9 years I had been 17. I suppose my appearance was something I took a lot of pride in. My sisters were gorgeous, but I was the one that got all the compliments.

So, how did it sound?

Thanks! :)

Update:

Oh, I forgot to put my last sentence on here. I guess that's one of the reasons everyone is saying she's full of herself. The last sentence is supposed to be, I never saw what people were talking about, though; I didn't want to stand out.

18 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    First Of All.. For Only Being 13 years old... you have a knack for writing.. for sure! Your very ..descriptive. But.. you are too wordy. Some of your sentence go on too long. Its not necessary. There is one rule when writing that your need to adhere to. "Show" don't tell. You need to make the people feel.. like they are the ones running in the rain. For example if your wet from the rain. Point made. You are dragging out/on an on. Don't. Keep the sentences powerful .. yet simple. Its not real easy to do. But.. you don't want to bore the reader. I have read plenty of books where I couldn't or didn't want to finish the book because the author bored me to tears. I have read other books that I did not .. want to put down and couldn't if I tried. Because .. the sentences made such a strong point.. and there were details and descriptions that said a lot in a short sentence. Then the reader moved it on. Dragging it one.. sounds like your dragging someone through the mud for pages. I loved it though! Your imagination was excellent. I would suggest at your age.. you take some individual classes somewhere for writing.. or creative writing. Also.. take and learn screen writing to write scripts for Hollywood. I read.. there are not many who do this skill well or master it. You can do that also. They make a lot of money. Start now.

    Source(s): A Writer!
    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I tapped my foot on the floor impatiently. My sisters were taking forever in the movie restrooms. In a way, I suppose that was good. It did give me more time to formulate a plan. We had run 50 miles to the movie theater, but it was 10:45 now; raining; and dark. People would be abashed to see three teenage girls running down the streets. I knew we could effortlessly make it home within 20 minutes, however people might see us blur by their cars.

    Sometimes I wished my sisters and I were normal; that we had parents; that we weren’t the ones to have a huge task resting on our shoulders; that I wasn’t the one that was the leader of our group. Even though I was the youngest (it was only by a year, though), I had to choose what we did and when we did it.

    Belatedly, my sisters came out of their stalls; slowly washing their hands. I realized they were giving me time to think of what we could do to get home. Taking a cab wouldn’t be the best move, either. I nodded at them once and we left the restrooms, walking through the halls. “Any ideas?” my sister Carla asked.

    “We can run, but we’ll have to go fast,” I answered. Thankfully, we had eaten snacks throughout the movie, giving us extra energy to run on.

    “Will you shield us, Rosalina?” my other sister, Clarissa, asked.

    I did have the potency to produce a shield that covered me, and whoever I picked, to not get water on themselves. The only problem was it took most of my vigor and drive to do it. “Fine, I will.”

    We walked outside into the ran, past all the people, and down into an alleyway where no one was. I stood in the middle, taking both one of each of my sister’s hands. We starting running, picking up the pace as we went. If someone happened to see us, we would only be a blur in their imagination. I could make out my sisters perfectly well, though.

    Carla and Clarissa, their perfectly straight auburn hair pulled back in the same style. Our faces were pretty much the same, but I had wavy brown hair that was much longer than theirs. I supposed I could cut my hair, but my appearance had never changed in the 9 years I had been 17. I suppose my appearance was something I took a lot of pride in. My sisters were gorgeous, but I was the one that got all the compliments.

    It's very good, i fixed a few grammatical errors. And you may want to be a bit more consistent with the words you're using. You are using a larger vocabulary than most 13year olds, good job. You're chracter seems a bit conceited. Also, 50 miles to a movie theatre? Isn't that too far? i can run 3 miles, in about 30 minutes. So, fifty miles? Are they like, super fast, you may want to explain that further.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 9 years ago

    You write terrific for a 13 year old! Good enough detail for me to keep going!

    But I want to give you some advice to improve your writing skills!

    Write it as if you were watching it. Like in a movie. Every detail matters.

    Never rush through, and 'to the point'.

    For example, you could have explained how quick or long it took them to go through the movies, how many people were there, how many shoulders they brushed against, what the walls looked like, what the place smelt like, how it all made Rosalina feel. Those are all very important and will really make the story sound better. Adding detail like that will stretch it all out too. For example, what you wrote might have been 1 page, but with great description it could be 2 pages.

    Also, when I'm reading a book I don't really like it when the author puts in parenthesis and actual numbers, to me it's not really.......professional..?

    Can't find the word, but it just bothers me, like the author is writing for 10 year olds.

    Practice your writing, I hope to see your novel on a shelf one day if that's what you're striving for! :D

    Source(s): Pick up Christopher Paolini's books, they encourage me to write better.
    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Sounds pretty good. You should really make your sentences longer, and using semi colons - these things: ; - you use them to start a list, or to take a sentence into deeper meaning, (the sentence: "...but it was 10:45 now; raining; and dark." is using semi-colons wrong. eg. "...but it was ten-fourty-five now, raining and dark.") Try to detail the surrounding, it helps the reader draw together the scene better, making them more intrigued. The protagonist does seem a bit overly self-concerned. But all in all, you know your way about punctuation and how to actually WRITE a novel, by the looks of it, unlike most people.

    Just remember to believe, edit and describe. (BED) ;3

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 9 years ago

    Your grammar makes things sound kind of awkward but that's OK for now. I really like the storyline, but you're kind of giving info without any explanation in the beginning. For example, you're like " I wished my sisters and I were normal; that we had parents; that we weren’t the ones to have a huge task resting on our shoulders; that I wasn’t the one that was the leader of our group" but you don't explain what you are and what is your group. But im assuming you're gonna do that later on in the story right? I like the story though, very good, even if it's a little Twilighty

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 9 years ago

    So far its pretty good.

    Honestly, your main character sounds very full of herself though.

    If you want to make it better, first fix your grammatical issues. Then I would suggested rethinking your main character unless you were going for someone who is conceited. I would also take what you have and rewrite it a few times, not because its bad but because the more you reword it the less it will sound like Twilight.

    Hope I helped.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I would read it! I'm glad they're not vampires and don't sparkle! I'm so sick of people putting those bloodsuckers in books! All you need to do is fix a few grammar mess-ups and try to be just a tiny bit more descriptive (which I'm having trouble with in my novel). I like the fact that they're sisters too! :)

    Source(s): Me!
    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 9 years ago

    Wow! Ur only 13 and wrote that!! Good for u ;). But I kinda agree with (amber j) about the main character (Rosalina?) she does sound a bit full of herself :/ u could still make her more down to earth but still the "special/unique" one!

    But anyways ur story seems really good, that I really want to continue it! Too bad it's not a real book... (but maybe someday it will be ;D)

    Source(s): Meeee
    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    This story seem really good I like it alot.for a 13 year old wow.!I think you write better than me lol(x but how other people said your main character is really full of herself try to change that a little because other would just think your like that. Try to focus more on the family issue and what happened to make them like this. Really good though :D

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • I like it for a first draft, with many to come.

    The last paragraph starting with the sister's names feels dropped in. You are running with them, and you describing them as static images.

    You will eventually have to answer where the money comes from. And the powers. and many other things. Good luck and good story telling.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.