First off, I really want to congratulate you on this decision to give yourself a run in the Darwin Awards. I truly hope to see you getting it.
The first step is to sanitize yourself. With the H1N1 virus going around, you don't want it getting into your member; I've heard it's not too pleasant.
Second, while you're rubbing yourself with hand sanitizer, do not, under any circumcises, I mean, circumstances, get erect. To prevent this from happening, have a picture of your mother, or an equally unattractive tranny nearby. If this does not prevent erections, please, seek help before proceeding. I suggest calling Dr. Linda Xuan.
Now that you've been sanitized, find the strongest liquor in your house, this will cleanse your liver, magnify accuracy and act as an anesthetic during your procedure.
To prepare the area for the procedure, put a new table cloth over a small side table and have a pillow for minor pain relief. Have a pad nearby to soak up the minimal bloodflow. We suggest Maxipads and a Grey Goose or a Napolean Brandy.
Now, just take a red hot butchers knife and chop chop chop!