Bippy asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

My husband and I would like to adopt an infant, but we aren't sure whether to do it foreignly or domestically.?

We've been in a happy, stable marriage for five years and we're both twenty-three years old. He has been in the military for four years and he'll be serving actively for the next eight years. We have all the means of supporting a child and providing a healthy, nurturing enviroment. We've been told that our best means of adopting would be finding a pregnant mother who wants to give her unborn baby up for adoption. Is this a good idea? Someone enlighten me.

Update:

Lillie,

I ,myself, have been in foster care. I know what it does to you, and not all foster children, adoptive children, or orphans are damaged goods.

I'm not on a social "adoption craze" , and rather tha adopting several, I fully plan on adopting one single child. I'd also like to have a biological child.

I'm not trying to take a child away from their family or heritage. I'm trying to give a child a chance. Who says I wouldn't teach the child about their heritage a family? In my opinion, it's something a child needs to understand WHO they are.

Update 2:

I don't need peoples' opinions of my personal choices. I just need advice from people who actually KNOW about the system of adoption.

22 Answers

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  • 小黃
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    If you decide to do a foreign adoption, please make sure you do some in-depth research. Not just from what the agencies have to tell you, but find blogs. I'm not saying disregard what they tell you regarding the formal process - I'm saying there are things they will not tell you. They won't tell you how your adopted child/adult feels 20 years on down the road. They will not necessarily even know what the relinquishing mother went through and how it will affect her for the rest of their life.

    Research about how relinquishing mothers may have felt and how adult adoptees feel. Read blogs. Go to forums where the adoptees are holding discussion with adoptive parents who have adopted transracially. Please don't go looking for the happy-ever-after endings. I'm sure they are nice to hear about, and I'm sure EVERY prospective parent wants to be reassured by those happy endings, but the reality is that adoption is NOT that simple. There will always be hurdles to overcome and as an prospective parent, IF you are not open to hearing about those things, then in the end you may end up failing your child when s/he needs you most.

    You'll need to be able to hear about the "hard" stuff. Your child might want to return to their birth country. Your child might want to search. Your child might want to learn the language and be active in the adoptive community as they grow older.

    Are you prepared to face that?

    Do you know how you will answer the question, "Why didn't my other mommy keep me?"

    If you're already thinking about telling your would-be child, "She gave you up because she loved you" - STOP right there.

    That will NEVER EVER make sense to a child.

    Sure, it may be the truth. Of course a parent probably gave up that child in love. Of course that makes sense to YOU, that a mother would sacrifice her child from a home of poverty or malnutrition or abuse. Of COURSE it could very well be the truth, and YOU can understand that, right?

    Doesn't mean your child can.

    Intellectually, yes. Emotionally? Probably not.

    Please see the following blogs as they will give you a very good perspective into the other side of adoption - the side that the agencies will NOT tell you about.

    http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot.com/

    http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

    http://ecbjournal.wordpress.com/

    http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/ (don't be fooled by the label "anti-adoption" - this blog is INCREDIBLE in addressing the darker side of adoption and just HOW all those infants become available)

    I realize that adoption is not about to end anytime soon. I realize there will always be a need for adoption. I realize that poverty, malnutrtion, lack of finances, abuse and neglect will not "end" anytime soon. I am not that naive.

    But for the sake of the child you are looking into adopting, please educate yourself. Read those links I've pasted. Look beyond the happily-ever-after stories and realize that it isn't just about you - it's about your child.

    And it's better to be prepared for something that MAY happen in years to come than to NOT be prepared at all. Because you're the parent - you should be taking on that responsibility. :)

    ETA: "We've been told that our best means of adopting would be finding a pregnant mother who wants to give her unborn baby up for adoption. Is this a good idea? Someone enlighten me."

    Clearly you wanted an opinion - and not how the process works. If you wanted to know how the process works, then just ask for it next time. But you also asked for opinions on whether or not it would be a good idea and you received opinions.

    Source(s): Transracial adoptee.
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  • 1 decade ago

    I would not advice finding a pregnant woman. There are many stick situations in being matched with a expecting mother. For one she and the father can’t even give up their rights until after the baby is born. So it would save you being crushed if she or he happened to change her/his mind and keep the baby. It would also save her from feeling guilty if she changed her mind. That she felt she had to give the baby to you all , that your nice people and the baby would have a good home etc. Of course there is a reclaim period where biological parents can reclaim their birthchild it can range anywhere from a few days to several months. So the risk is not always gone when you get the baby.

    If you want to adopt a baby find an agency who will match you with a baby that has already been born and the mother has chosen adoption. Or look towards the foster care system there are children of all ages there and they are the ones that truly need homes. You could even request an age range child age 0 to 4 years old.

    To be honest at 23 you are too young for most if not all international adoptions many of this countries require both PAP to be at least 25 sometimes as old as 30 (i.e. China). If you ever choose to do international adoption I would encourage you to learn the langue of the country you’re looking to adopt or at least look for language lessons for your child in their native tongue. It can’t hurt in today’s world being bi or multi lingual is a huge advantage. In fact most places besides America are multi lingual. If you got to Europe it is not uncommon for someone to speak 4 or 5 languages. As well as learning different customs and traditions, learn to cook the food this way you can have a true multi-cultural home which is what someone adopted from aboard would have both their native culture and adopted culture. I would also try to return to your child’s native home when ever you could every 2 or 3 years, if its possible that you can go once a year that would be great too.

    Research all your options there are many diffrent types of adoption.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Our daughter was five weeks old when she joined our family through a fully open domestic adoption. That was nearly ten years ago.

    Her natural mother brought her home for the first two weeks after birth while she thought about what to do. After she made her decision, she reviewed our bio on file at an agency, asked to meet us, and ultimately asked us to be the baby's parents.

    If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Although open adoptions can be tricky, in my opinion having your child know their natural families and vice versa is the best thing for everyone involved.

    Finding a pregnant woman seems slightly predatory to me. Give her the chance to have the baby and to make up her mind without the stress of potential adoptive parents hovering nearby.

    Find a reputable agency. Read, learn, listen. If foster to adopt is definitely not for you, then go domestic, go open, go honest.

    Source(s): An openly adoptive mom.
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  • Randy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I've adopted both internationally and domestically through our foster care's foster to adopt program.

    Personally, I would suggest that in your situation you stay away from international adoptions. I say that only because of your husbands current employment and the fact that it may preclude you from adopting in many other countries. It's not the military aspect as much as it's the potential for long stretches of time away. Many countries have strong familial requirements whereby you have to show that you have been in a stable relationship for a minimum of time and that you will both be able to parent. I know it's a matter of interpretation but for many of these countries I think it can make a difference. Also, the cost of these adoptions can range between $25-$40k and more so unless your husband is a higher rank or you have money stashed it could be a stretch. I think your young age would be a strike against you as well.

    I'd strongly suggest that you look at domestic adoption through foster care. All this means is that you will be matched with one of the thousands of children who are available for adoption and who are currently living in foster homes while they wait for an adoption match. Remember, there are two categories of children in foster care: those that are there while they await the time they can be returned to their families and those that for what ever reason will not be returned and who are available for adoption. Also, in most areas adoptions through foster care are either free or very very low cost (like $1000 or less)

    As I noted, our youngest daughter was adopted through foster care and she came to us at 4 days old. She was placed in the program due to past history and difficulties with her birth parents and we have had no issues at all to deal with thus far. She's doing very well.

    There are some common misconceptions about adoptions through foster care that you need to consider.

    First off, not all of the children in that system are "broken" or "have issues". Sure, some of the children do have challenges that they and their adoptive families will have to deal with however many more do not and they are just in need of homes.

    Secondly, you will hear that it is difficult to find a "blond hair, blue eyed baby/child/teen. Perhaps that is true, I've never asked for one so it's never been an issue. There are many more children of different races in foster care but if you truly care about the children then the colour of their skin, the colour of their eyes or the colour of their hair will not matter.

    Lastly, the amount of time you spend waiting in any adoption program will only be limited by the restrictions you place on your adoption process. Infants could take years domestically or mega bucks internationally. The older your age range the shorter the process in many cases. Even a few years makes a big difference. A 2,3 or 4 year old could be much quicker and still has the potential to be the perfect match for you and your husband.

    Regardless of which path you choose, take your time to research and learn all you can before moving forward. Its a big step and one that should not be taken lightly.

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  • cmc
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    It really depends on your family...

    With domestic adoption you can adopt a newborn. It is important to work with ethical people and have confidence the child's mother was not coerced etc. Wait time for a baby vary widely since the natural mother usually chooses the parents, and the mother may change her mind after birth and decide not to place. Our adoption was completed within 1 year of starting the process, but I would say this was unusual. With domestic adoption you often have the option of "open" adoption where you have some level of ongoing contact with one or both parents. Sometimes (as in our case) the natural mother prefers not to have ongoing contact (we did meet her, have pics and info for our daughther).

    You can sometimes adopt a newborn or infant through fost-adopt (foster care) but there aren't many young children, and I know in our case our county agency discouraged this. In the future we will likely adopt from foster care. If you are open to a child with special needs it may be somewhat easier.

    If you choose international adoption you're child will likely be 6-18 mo old before you adopt them, because countries try to place in their own country first. Also time lines differ by country. Obviously you will have very little info on the child's background, family etc. Generally the children available are from poor countries, and in need of homes, but again there are more people willing to adopt healthy infants than there are babies, so there is a wait.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Not knowing why you want to adopt I would ask you why not try to have a child on your own? See your ages that is my first question. And as far as international adoption there are age requirements and most if not all its 25 and up. And the cost of international adoption will run around 25000 and up plus travel. Maybe wait a few years you both are still very young.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You can adopt from U.S. foster care very inexpensively. Then you're giving a home and love to a child who really needs them. Kids who are adopted internationally lose their culture, heritage, language, and usually all possibility of ever meeting their biological family members. That is NOT in the child's best interests and adoption is supposed to be about the child's needs, not the adults'. Finding a pregnant woman and purchasing her baby (that is really what it is, you know) is just wrong. I do not know of any woman who has ever relinquished her baby and hasn't regretted it.

    It's wonderful that you have a stable marriage and income. Adoption can be a good thing if it's done for the right reasons. Giving a home to a child in foster care is the "right" reason to adopt. Taking children away from their mothers who would be able to parent if it weren't for finances or removing a child from his or her home country are NOT the right reasons.

    Please stick around and read this board for a while before you make any major decisions. Take in what you see -- points of view from adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents. Then decide what is right for you. I hope you make the right decision.

    Source(s): Parent who adopted from foster care in California
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  • 1 decade ago

    Whether you chose domestic or international, please do your research on the agencies. We are now dual listed with two agencies - Lutheran Social Services of MN and Children's Home Society and Family Services. We have dual listed, since we were not happy with our initial selection of Children's Home Society. They do not limit the number of waiting families in their book, which has now grown to over 80 families and have done less than 30 placements since January of 2008. In contrast, Lutheran Social Servcies does limit the number of families that are in the waiting families book.

    Keep in mind - it is incredibly expensive to adopt. On average, a domestic adoption can be around $15,000 and up. An international adoption is between $22,000-$30,000.

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  • molly_
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I would stay away from the pregnant mother thing. While that might work, it's also very possible that the woman will change her mind and choose instead to keep the child. That happens, apparently; the woman carries the child for long enough and grows affectionate towards it. And her family might protest, that kind of thing. It sounds more complicated than it's worth.

    Safest I think would be to adopt a child in the United States, but how you choose to do that is up to you. It'd be best to explore more options, preferably outside the often warped world of Y!A

    Start here: http://www.adopting.org/

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  • 1 decade ago

    Why not look into adoption from US foster care? There are tens of thousands of children legally free to be adopted, and just waiting for good homes.

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