I hate my past how can i change it?

was on my own for 21 years before i got my girlfriend. i have never been with anyone else but i have done a lot fo stuff that upsets her. i have wanted to be a film director for a long time and used to write film scripts, they all contained realy nasty stuff like sex and rape i also had a lot of films that... show more was on my own for 21 years before i got my girlfriend. i have never been with anyone else but i have done a lot fo stuff that upsets her. i have wanted to be a film director for a long time and used to write film scripts, they all contained realy nasty stuff like sex and rape i also had a lot of films that contained these things. my girlfriend recenttly found these as anyone could imagine she was not happy, i realy wrote some nasty stuff and can not belive what i used to be like, i realy hate my self for what i have done and sometimes i want to kill my self as a way of saying sorry to her. non of the things i wrote ment anything they did not reflect what i wanted they were just scripts. i have told her that i love her more than anything, to me she is the most perfect person in the world and i can not bear to loose her i have waited for some one like her all my life and i do not know how i can apologise enough to her for the things that i have done, i wish that i could change everything that hapend up to meating her but i can not. help
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