My ex & I dated for 14 months, broke up, talked about getting back together to work things out then less than a month after the break up we called it off for good. In the last 3-4 months of our relationship, things btwn us were especially bad; she was unhappy due to personal stuff & a lot of times would take stuff out on me & fights would ensue. She admitted that she was depressed & believed she had an eating disorder & because of all that we didn't get back together - she didn't want me to have to deal with all that b/c she'd been in my shoes before & said she didn't want to put me through that. Later on a couple times she begged me to come back to be there as a friend & hopefully things btwn us could develop again but as much as it hurt to say no I couldn't go back to that; our relationship had always been kinda rocky & this would even make it more dysfunctional; I believed I had to look out for myself b/c I was also going through my own stuff (getting over the break up, applying to grad schools, looking for a job, etc) that all of her issues would completely bring me down as an unnecessary stress/burden. So we for the most part had no contact for almost 3 months.
About 1.5 months ago we got back involved in each others lives. We agreed building up friendship/foundation again was best but...mutual feelings were still there & we kinda fell back into acting like a couple. We dated for about 4 weeks then called it off & said we seriously needed that foundation back if we were gona have any chance at a real future together - we had to sacrifice what felt good now in order to make the long run better. She also said it wasn't fair to either of us that she still has strong feelings for this other girl that she was with while we were broken up. (This girl & her bonded/got super close b/c they both have eating disorders & this girl was there for my ex when I wasn't. They also hooked up a few times; they were basically kinda together). Now I don't hate this other girl b/c I know she really helped my ex in various ways & seems like a good person (no I've never met her) but I of course naturally felt jealous/bitter/angry about the whole situation b/c I wanted to be with my girlfriend, not just be friends with her & it sucked that my ex still has feelings for someone else. I found out a few days ago that in the past 2ish weeks that my ex & I had just been friends that she & this other girl have had sex twice. It of course really hurt me but it also made me angry & lose some trust in my ex, especially because I'd asked her if she'd open up the doors again to this other girl when we first greed on just friendship btwn us & she'd flat out said no. She said she'd never planned on having sex with the girl but that it "just happened". When I asked why she was able to be intimate with this other girl but only friends with me, she said bc right now there is potential for commitment with this girl. I asked if there was any with me & she said "right now, no". That hurt...real bad.
Basically I'm kinda caught in a very unique but s****y situation right now. My ex & I have both envisioned our lives with each other & having a future together. I've let go of the expectation that we're gona end up together but I'm still hanging on to the hope that we will. However, everyday is complete agony for me - this is constantly on my mind. I want to be there for my ex & be her best friend but I don't want just friendship - I want to actually be with her. The problem is that right now, not only does she not see potential with me, but she's also basically with someone else. She said that there's no title/label for what's going on with her & this girl, but come on now - they hang out, they're really close, they've slept together, & they're both in love with each other. Idk about you but that basically sounds like a relationship to me. So how am I supposed to deal with this? & what if they did start dating at some point soon - my ex has told me that she wants/needs me in her life & she doesn't wana lose me again - but if they start dating then what, I'm just supposed to stay at my ex's side pathetically as a friend, with both of us knowing that I want more & that I'm like dying on the inside?
I feel horrible because I know she needs me & I feel like unlike the 1st time, where I was pushed away, this time I am seriously considering just walking away from everything & letting go; it prbly doesn't seem like it to her but I feel like if I woulda put my feelings before hers, I would've walked away right when she told me she still has feelings for this other girl, but I've been choosing to deal with this agony b/c I don't wana hurt her again. Should I stay & deal but constantly be in pain or do I just need to move on & let go of her? Please help :(2 AnswersFriends10 years ago
How to let go of jealousy/insecurity/uncomfortableness from the past & move forward with a relationship?
My ex-gf of over a yr & I have recently started talking/dating again. (Background info: we broke up bc of complications; neither of us cheated or fell out of love, but we were having lots of issues, most if not all of them due to her own personal, inner issues that were discovered/realized a bit later [depression, eating disorder, etc.]) <--this is NOT the topic I want to discuss however, it is another concern I have that I will address now; I apologize for the lengthy explanation.
We broke up for about 3.5 months. During that time, as with any breakup, we tried to individually focus on ourselves, move on, etc. I had some hookups as did she. Fast forward to now & the girl, XYZ, that she'd been hooking up with/kinda seeing is getting to me really bad. By that I mean even just mentioning XYZ makes me clench my jaw & feel uneasy/jealous. During the time my ex & I were apart, XYZ was there for her while I wasn't, & because it was a very hard time for my ex, not only dealing with our breakup but also her own personal stuff, that of course there was bonding/a connection. Now that I'm back in the picture she could care less about XYZ but has admitted that there are still a little bit of feelings there, which she is working on getting rid of. The thing is during those 3.5 months, they did talk about dating, they hooked up, XYZ even bought her gifts (i.e., a Fossil watch [those are kinda pricey], a Justin Bieber doll lol [my ex is a big fan], etc.) However, bc my ex was hung up on me still & XYZ was hung up on her ex of 6 yrs, it's almost like in a sense they were using each other & dating would've never really come out of it bc they were both unstable.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, my issue is that I'm having a really hard time letting go of it. I get visions of them hooking up, & it makes me sick to think that they were close enough that XYZ would buy her a semi-expensive watch, & I feel...like jealous I guess of that bond that they had while I was outa the picture. I feel like there is a part of me that can't hold it against my ex that they hooked up bc then it would be a double standard, bc I hooked up with a girl while we were broken up too. I know I need to learn to let go of this, especially bc my ex & I are totally set on being together again, but it's hard to move past this intense mental block that I have. My ex & I have had various discussions on it, no fights/arguments, & even though I feel it's kinda important to talk about it, at the same time I hate bringing it up bc then like my whole demeanor changes bc it just gets to me so bad.
Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Can anyone relate? My ex & I have only been talking/dating for about 3 weeks now so I realize this will definitely take time, but... hell is there a way to make it easier/faster? Ha
Btw, I'm not some silly teeny bopper that is causing drama or being ridiculous about my situation. I'm 23 & my ex will be 21 in a couple months. Thank you for your help10 AnswersSingles & Dating10 years ago
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