Hi, I'm LunaFaye. I am Wiccan, and proud of it hun. I'm 38 years old, and yes I'm all woman. I'm very inquistive and intelligent. Looking for my soulmate, and I'll find him when I'm ready. I'm kinda closing down my email for now cause I'm getting an over whelming amount of people wanting free reads.. Guys don't beat up a good thing. If you want to ask a question I'll answer it in horoscopes, no charge. But please my email can only take soooooo much.
Osma Bin Luden was walking in the desert one day planning his little hostile world take over when he bumped into a bottle. Thinking this bottle of wine he opened it, only to have the most beautiful and intelligent woman gene pop out of it.
"Oh great and honorable master", the Gene began "how may I serve the with three most wonderful of wishes?"
"Get out of my sight you worthless cur, you are not worthy to be in a sight of a man. You dishonor me with your existance." Osma said with a snarl.
"Oh but great and wonderful master, let me grant thy three wishes and I will depart from thee" Said the gene
Osma Thought about this and said "for my three wishes, I want three different American women in my bed tomorrow morning."
Wish granted the gene left
The next morning Osma woke up with Hilary Clinton, Tonya Harding, and Lorena Bobbit, he found that his d**k was missing, his knee was bashed and he had no health insurance.10 AnswersJokes & Riddles1 decade ago
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. !
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRRIIIPPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether, regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and *hoo-hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or *hoo-hoo*?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! Like I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major dive and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better.
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a
dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-
cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far.
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down
to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on
horizon, and current angle of declination.
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her
garden (and use your own as their litter).
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its
favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night
and you like to sleep with the window open.
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more
like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds
wafting over onto your pristine lawn.
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then
start running at the last moment.
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the
kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to
them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!)
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been
pruned down. I swear it's true!
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs
to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something
yellow coloured and smelling of flowers.
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is
and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing
something on in strange curly writing.
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the
last time :-).
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome
double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16) She's always smiling, darn her!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and
wins first prize.
18) Her house always smells of incense.
19) Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or
her rats Devon and Cornwall)
20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large
amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the
wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it
at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine.
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her
living room, actually is real.
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening.
And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a
toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but
notice that her hair isn't wet.
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden.
That can't be natural.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the
time. In the snow as well.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that
suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months.
When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have
cakes and ale and a good natter.
35) You catch her hugging a tree.
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he
walks past her house.
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books
with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local
church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's
Institute coffee morning jumble sale.
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge
evening, and there are 78 in the pack.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become
expectant mothers a month after visiting her.
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they
all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian
as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian.. ..)
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will
be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins
Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her
front door . Ooo what a give-away!
Janus was a Greek God who was over New Beginnings. Now what makes this year so special is that it falls under the sign of Virgo. Now Virgo is the goddess of rebirth. Humm New Beginnings and rebirth. WOW. For those that have been waiting for a sign of new beginnings here we go hehe. Like I said Happy Janus Day.
I am making my first wand yeah. I'm making it out of a weeping willow. Yes I placed an offering after asking the tree first for permission to have it. I'm finished with it basically just need help in coming up with a way to cleanse it and to charge it. A little help would be soo appreciated. I want to dedicate it to the goddess and the art of healing if this helps anyone.
I have a heart but no love
I have diamonds but no wealth
I have spades but no shovels
I have clubs but no whiskey
I have royality but they do not rule
I have common folk but they do not work
I am read by psychics
and played by the best
money changes hands when my games are over
What am I?21 AnswersJokes & Riddles1 decade ago
Yep this year really stank for me and I do mean STANK. Will 2007 be any better? I'm a Cancer born 07/17/1968 at 7:04 am. I was born at Eglin AFB Okaloosa County Fla. Yep, Like Queen Elizabeth said, this year is not a year I shall cherish.
I'm wanting to relocate to a southern city. My birthdate is 07/17/1968 at 7:04 am was born in Eglin AFB Okaloosa county Fla. I'm wanting to relocate to get a better job and support me and my two kids and have peace. Its been hard selling this house and I've been wondering is there something about it I should be fixing, or what is going on as I'm having no feedback about it from potenital buyers. They come in they look tell me that they will come back, and I get no further word. I've redone all my rooms in feng shui and there is no negative chi here. The rooms are done in peaceful colors and I make coffee to try to sell this house. HELP, what is wrong with this picutre???4 AnswersHoroscopes1 decade ago
ooooooo there are some pretty sensitive fellows that are answering questions in here, and none of the girlies are even so much as popping thier heads up at them. I just wanted to say I'm proud of each of you. Each one of you gents that come in here to answer the "horoscope" questions are sooo open and I just wanted to say great for you all. Thumbs up fellows.1 AnswerHoroscopes1 decade ago
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!20 AnswersJokes & Riddles1 decade ago
i love the hobbit, and the lord of the rings series, just wondering if anyone has heard anything about it.6 AnswersMovies1 decade ago
I am a Cancer woman born July 17, 1968 at 7:04 am in Ft. Eglin AFB Florida. I'm just wondering if any of you all, and no smart aleck reactions to the is question please, see a man in my future. Yep I know, look for another water lily, but I was wondering if anyone out here really saw one for me. I'm not desparate enough to look for just anyone, I want the right one, and am willing to wait, but I was just wanting to know how long of a wait I have before me.8 AnswersHoroscopes1 decade ago
1. What color is the white house?
2. Who is buried in Grant's tomb? (which Grant)
3. How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky Louis ville or Louie ville?
4. What month is Octoberfest in Germany celebrated in?
5. Which Queen was the State of Virginia named after?
6. Which King was Jamestown named after?
7. What England town was New York named after?
8. How did Scotland Yard get its name?16 AnswersJokes & Riddles1 decade ago
yes it did happen, I've met someone. I know some of you all are on the floor laughing. However, I'm cornfused as usual, any Libra/cancer mixes out there, and how are they working out????9 AnswersHoroscopes1 decade ago