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Pastor Sauce

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I was an unwanted child. My mother left me outside of town to be raised by wolves. We lived in Omaha, so the prairie dogs found me. I lived in a burrow system where my adoptive parents taught me how to bark and scurry. At 7, I was rescued by the scratching monks of the Order of St Derek. The life was hard at he monastry. Our daily rituals began with rising at 5 am for one hour of scratching ourselves in the chapel. We scratched three more hours during the day, and at evening vespers we only rubbed, to avoid permanent skin injury. After living on the dry prairie, my flaky skin let me scratch myself enough to win the trust and confidence of the monks. I was sent to study divinity. Then the Order split apart over whether St Derek would have used modern skin relief like steroid creams, or traditional ointments made from bat droppings. I left the bitter conflict and the smell of bat poo behind and became a lay preacher. My humble mission: to bring the world enlightenment.

  • How do I cope with my wife's changes?

    My wife has recently started taking steroid medication prescribed by her doctor. A week after she started taking them, she grew a small moustache, started drinking beer for the first time, and took out a subscription to Popular Mechanic. I was very unhappy, but then she somehow fixed the waste disposal unit. Then, when we played in the couples bowling tournament, her point average more than doubled. Should I get her to see a doctor, or leave things as they are?

    3 AnswersMarriage & Divorce9 years ago
  • A vaccine for headaches?

    Much attention has been given in the media to the push for vaccines for malaria and HIV. However much more of the world's population suffer from man's old foe, the headache. If we had a simple injection into the head as children, we would never have to suffer again. Why aren't scientists working on this? Are they afraid that once they give us the vaccine, we will stop buying aspirin and their employers, the big drug companies, will go bust?

    3 AnswersInfectious Diseases10 years ago
  • Born again christians: unwanted pregnancy ...?

    My friend's daughter recently fell pregnant. She is 17 years old and unmarried. Initially my friend was very angry with her, because the daughter had a chastity ring. Now my friend worries that her other daughter, who is 16, may follow her sister's example. The younger one is not taking sensible precautions, despite the risks. For example, she refuses to lay down a plastic bag over a bus seat upon which a man has recently been sitting. Should my friend be stricter with the younger daughter, or trust her to make her own decisions?

    19 AnswersReligion & Spirituality10 years ago
  • Born again christians: can I take my neighbour's bowling balls?

    On May 21, my neighbour Bill had been mowing the lawn and I heard the mower running and running, so I thought there might have been an accident, because Bill is old. When I got there, the mower was going, but all I could find was a pile of clothes and a pair of shoes. I haven't seen Bill since. His kids never come around, so nobody seems to be worrying about him. See, Bill has two really nice bowling balls, which I have always liked. I figure if he was raptured, and gone to heaven, he's not going to need the bowling balls and maybe they don't even belong to him anymore. My wife says no, they're still his, it's just that he's in a different spiritual and physical state now. Maybe this is more a legal question than religious, I don't know. Can I take his bowling balls or is it wrong?

    5 AnswersReligion & Spirituality10 years ago
  • Moslems: is an electric dishwasher blasphemous?

    A friend of mine, who is moslem, says that it is not blasphemous to have a dishwasher. However I have looked through a translation of the Koran briefly, and I can find no mention of dishwashers in it. He also says that some modern dishwashers use less water than traditional dish washing methods. Surely that is beside the point. Could moslem scholars please clarify the position?

    11 AnswersReligion & Spirituality10 years ago
  • Does the moon give you skin cancer?

    Recently my friend Mary was diagnosed with skin cancer on her left shoulder. However she hardly ver sunbathed, and so she has almost never exposed to the sun. But at night she says she sleeps left side up, next to a window. The rays of the moon have been able to enter the house and cause damage to her skin. Scientists always blame the sun for skin cancers. As everyone knows, the moon, not the sun, causes the tides. It follows that the moon is more powerful than the sun. Yet science knows nothing about the mysterious moon, surely because it only comes out after normal work hours when scientists have left work for the day. How many more skin cancer victims do we need in this great country before the scientists will finally start looking for the real culprit?

    6 AnswersCancer10 years ago
  • Born Again Christians Only: Should I have told my wife?

    I burned off some warts on my private parts by pressing myself against a hot cake tin. I was desperate to get rid of my embarrassing fleshy growths in a hurry before my wife found out. The cake tin was the only really hot thing in the house.

    However my member also came into contact with the fruit cake. My wife later fed the fruit cake to some of the women's group from our church. They all had at least one piece, although I don't know who had the bit against which my manhood pressed.

    I know I have done wrong. I am alone and depressed and I need some good advice:

    1. In the first place should I have told my wife, who is also a born again christian, about my secret problem? Or have I saved her feelings by not upsetting her?

    2. How do I explain the weaping crescent shaped burns?

    3. Is it safe to eat the last of the fruit cake, as it looks rather delicious?

    15 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Global Warming: An Answer?

    It is well known that planes account for 5% of total world CO2 omissions and contribute to total greenhouse gases and global warming.

    Up until now, the problem has been growing because more and more people are buying plane tickets.

    Is not the answser to stop buying plane tickets - and to use airmiles instead?

    10 AnswersGlobal Warming1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians: Rock Music of the Devil?

    In 1996, Pope Benedict, then Cardinal Ratzinger , branded rock music an "instrument of the Devil" and urged young people not to listen to it for fear of endangering their souls.

    Pope Benedict, then head of the modern successor to the Inquisition, said there were "diabolical and satanic messages" in much of today's heavy metal music. But he also warned the young against the "subliminal" satanic influence to be found in songs by such groups as the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, Queen, Led Zeppelin and the Eagles.

    I decided to play Peaceful Easy Feeling by the Eagles backwards to find out.

    You can imagine how upset I was when I heard the words, repeated over and over in the chorus, "Lactate into my hubcap Sir Jeffrey".

    Isn't it time we listened to the Church and stopped this filth being sold to our children?

    14 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians: Should We Join Moslem World?

    As a Born Again Christian, I have noticed that the USA is out of step with its allies and neighbours.

    As Europe becomes less engaged to the church, we are becoming more fundamentalist.

    The countries of central and south america are increasingly voting in left wing governments.

    The one region we have a lot in common with is the Middle East.

    We both in charge have religious men who will wage wars.

    We are both showing less regard for individual rights.

    Unimpeachable power is held in the hands of a few.

    We both disdain the United Nations.

    Our heads of state are beholden to oil.

    Clearly we should partner ourselves with those countries with which we have most in common like Iran, Saudi Arabia and Iraq. We should say goodbye to NATO.

    Who can see the logic and feels this is right?

    13 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Can a Moslem Man Crossdress As Woman?

    Recently a contributor asked if is it a sin under Islam to dress up as a woman?

    I would say that if a man dresses as a woman but modestly, it cannot be a sin.

    Only yesterday Maulana Abdul Aziz the head of the Red Mosque in Pakistan was caught trying to leave the Red Mosque in a burka. A burka is the traditional womens dress in Pakistan. Aziz is the chief cleric, a radical moslem according to the BBC.

    But what if Maulana Abdul Aziz had instead worn red lipstick, thick blond hair, a tight leather mini skirt, stack heals, stockings and a push up bra? I would say probably he could not wear this, although he is not too old for the look.

    Can islamic experts confirm how far you can go crossdressing before you break religious law? Is a little lipstick acceptable, and what about stockings?

    8 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians Please: Condoms?

    Cardinals, bishops, priests and nuns in four continents say that condoms have tiny holes through which HIV can escape and infect the other person.

    As a Born Again Christian I would like to share my own experience. Recently I returned from a solo holiday in Thailand and was shocked to find I had genital warts. Its just that one day I had lent a pair of my underpants to another man. He had an accident in his due to the strong food. Then I forgot to wash the pants. The genital wart virus must have sat on the pants and then infected me.

    My wife and I went to the doctor who asked if I had sex with any bar girls. You can imagine my disgust at this slur on my reputation. The doctor said this form of infection was impossible, in front of my wife. He also told me to wear condoms.

    But if the church says that condoms have holes in them, then surely infection by underpants is possible.

    Should we listen to science or the church of God?

    26 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Lawyer?

    I need to know if a church is a public place.

    Last Sunday when we were doing our thing at church when some folk came and parked their trucks on church space. OK, I´m a Born Again Christian so as you know.

    These people said there was nothing illegal because a church carpark is public land. We did not know if they were right or wrong. I got an axe handle and broke their lights anyway. One guy with a new Ford started shouting and spoiling the restful religious vibes, so Pastor Deke fixed his windshield with a cinderblock.

    Is there a Born Again lawyer who can clear this up?

    7 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians Please: Is Homosexuality a Sin?

    Our vietnamese pot bellied pig made another homosexual attack on Mr Nuttle, an insurance broker.

    Mr Nuttle was having a cup of coffee and explaining how a life insurance policy works when our pig suddenly mounted him. With Erics trotters over his shoulder and Eric panting in his face, Mr Nuttle was subjected to a thrusting attack on his lap which for reasons of good taste I will not describe. Eric weighs 150 pounds. I threw hot coffee on him, but in the heat of the moment he would not stop Afterwards my wife had to use a damp cloth to clean Mr Nuttles suit. We were so embarrassed.

    Pope John Paul II said that animals have souls. That means they are capable of sin.

    As Born Again Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin.

    I want Eric to give up his sinning.

    Mr Nuttle said we should show Eric pictures of naked men and then hit him with a cattle prod.

    Fellow Born Agains, please tell me how can we get Eric to go straight?

    24 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians Only: Information about Hell?

    Last week my neighbour Archie Futtock burned to death in his car on the I70.

    As a Born Again Christian I think he will go to hell. This is because he was a sinner.

    If he was burned, this means only his body was destroyed and his soul is still intact.

    So then his soul goes to hell. Our preacher says hell is full of fire and brimstone.

    But I am worried that his soul might not suffer.

    If the car wreck did not burn his soul, then how will hell burn his soul, or even make his soul uncomfortable?

    Are souls fireproof because they are made from invisible materials like asbestos?

    I need some serious theological help from you experts please.

    16 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Pitch for Reality TV Show: You Like It?

    Welcome to "Celebrity Snorkel and Swallow Island".

    Each team is half overweight celebrities and underweight celebrities, who are sent to an island. They have 2 weeks to get closer to their body mass index.

    The fatties are always further off their BMI, so they get help from liposuction. But lets not make it easy for them. They dont get doctors, just the instruction manuals, so their teammates have to work out how to suck the fat out.

    But hey, the skinnies dont have it easy either. They get a kitchen but no food. If they want to win they have to put on weight by eating the fat snorkelled out of the fatties.

    At the end, the teams are weighed and each pound lost from fatties and gained by skinnies counts for a point. The winning team gets a recording contract.

    If the fatties use their size advantage to force feed the skinnies their fat, this will be frowned upon. Neither should they eat their own fat, no matter how hungry they say they are.


    8 AnswersReality Television1 decade ago
  • Which Christian Sect Is Most Popular?

    One of my parishioners asked me a difficult theological question.

    Many so called intelligent people say atheism is the only logical choice. They say that religious belief is not based on proof that we can sense but on faith.

    But, she said, clearly if there is a God, on the day of judgment he will be irrate towards those people who doubted his existence. If she was God she would punish them the most because no one likes a smart alec.

    But if she was God she would also be very angry towards those people who worshipped the wrong religion. So which is the right one, she wanted to know?

    I answered that clearly it must be the most popular religion, since lots and lots of people have thought about this and therefore cannot be wrong. And, if they are wrong, at least her soul would burn in eternal torment with millions of others, a comfort.

    So having decided to join the christians, she wants to know who is most popular. I shot from the hip and said the catholics.

    Was I right?

    11 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians Only Please: HPV Jab License to Promiscuity?

    As a born again christian, I am alarmed at the HPV vaccine.

    Last year, science came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that prevents women from getting HPV, which is a sexually transmitted disease that acts as a gateway to the cancer. And the vaccine is so effective, it could wipe out HPV.

    Christian parent groups and churches nationwide have said that providing a jab to protect against a sexually transmitted infection young women might encourage promiscuity. Bridget Maher of the Family Research Council says giving girls the vaccine is bad, because the girls "may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex."

    Let me illustrate why these good people are right.

    Recently my neighbours´son got a jab against hepatitis A food poisoning. Then I saw him eating stale jelly donuts from the gas station. He said that now he had a licence to eat disgusting food.

    Who else thinks that young women should not be given the HPV vaccine?

    19 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago
  • Computer Chips: Are they getting too small?

    Every year proud scientists show us their new computer chips that are smaller and smaller.

    But don´t they realise that by making the computer chips so tiny, they are going to get lost more easily? When the scientists misplace the tiny chips in their laboratories, no doubt they expect everyone to drop everything they are doing and rally around trying to help them find the missing items.

    Well I hope they don´t expect me to come running to help them look, because they have only brought this on themselves by making the chips so tiny.

    Isn´t it time computer chips were made a sensible size, like those big fobs hanging on hotel door keys so you won´t forget to return the key?

    7 AnswersProgramming & Design1 decade ago
  • Born Again Christians Only: The End of Religion?

    Leading thinkers say that people's fascination for religion and superstition will disappear within a few decades as television and the internet make it easier to get information, and scientists get closer to discovering a final theory of everything.

    The web magazine Edge ( asked more than 150 scientists and intellectuals: "What are you optimistic about?" Answers included hope for the end of organised religion and growth of enlightenment.

    As a born again christian I am deeply saddened by this vision of the future.

    If I were to not have my religion any longer, I would not be able to go to church, pray or hate gays and moslems. Thus my life would have no meaning any longer.

    Who else thinks this future trend will leave them in a bad way?

    20 AnswersReligion & Spirituality1 decade ago