I am older, 60 yo, and my husband of 28 years (3 grown wonderful children) left me to sleep with and move in with his former secretary with whom he had been having an non-sexual emotional affair for several years which I felt threatened by. After 4 months of living together she threw him out, I don't know why but he did relate that she said she started feeling "like your wife felt." After a few months he found another woman and moved in with her. They are still living together now,but have not married. He tells me she hasn't said she loves him. I initiated the divorce after the second woman. He calls and says he loves me but I don't believe him because his actions don't match the words. He also says he loves this second woman, or rather third woman he is living with, he also says he loved the former secretary. I have moved on in most ways, have my own job and friends but find it really scary to think about dating. Sometimes I want the companionship and at other times I am afraid he or we will be like my former marriage.
In my marriage (my first marriage and my ex husband's second marriage) he wanted sex every day and sometimes I didn't want it. Once he hit several times when I refused when I was pregnant and not feeling well. It got to be a big deal with him blaming me for my lack of interest. Tthe more he blamed me and I felt guilty the less interested I was. He left saying he wanted "wild passionate lovemaking every day." I didn't feel I could meet that standard. He critiqued me constantly in the sexual area and I felt less and less confidant in that area. Before I met him I had had two or three good sexual relationships with men or so they told me, and I had been satisfied too. My ex, when he was my husband, was not often satisfied. He would have an orgasm then say "let's do it again." That's ok once in awhile but not as frequently as he wanted. So this was our marriage-him pushing for sex more and more and me getting less and less interested. I do think we had to end it and I couldn't do it because I believed marriage was for life. However, eventually I could see it was over once he had those two sexual relationships with others.
After all that I am afraid to get intimate with others, but I do miss having a man in my life as a companion, friend and lover. Should I start up a relationship now even though I am so afraid? I have been to counseling many times and it hasn't much helped with this. He and I went 8 times in couples counseling together and I went as an individual and in group counseling but it didn't change much. What do you all think?