Please read this an tell me how you like it? (Long)?

Question

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapte…

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Well, keep in mind this is no more than a critique. You can discard the points I make or take them and use them to make the piece more.

First and foremost, you have some grammatical errors in the story that you need to address. I'm sure you'll find them once you re-read with a critical eye.

Second, the opening paragraph is completely unnecessary and serves no real purpose. The information you have in the first few lines can be /and is added more discreetly to the rest of the story.

You call this chapter one and yet you disclose the information that the other kids have unnatural powers as well as the lead character. You need to draw in the reader more, create the basis of a relationship with one or two of the characters before giving up the information on superpowers.

I like that you've described your surroundings, I'm a big fan of that but it lacks any emotion from the main character. He describe the elaborate surrounding, what everyone looked like... but how did he feel about it? Did it leave him cold? Frightened? Pissed off that he was there in the first place? Was he afraid they would know his secret? More depth is needed to hold the reader's attention. Let me give you a for instance. Instead of saying "Gargoyles glared down from the roof which gave Derek an eerie feeling..." you could say something like "Stone gargoyles loomed over the place, staring knowingly into the courtyard below. The sight of them sent chills down his spine, no matter how irrational it was, he got the feeling there was life lingering just beyond the eyes of those beasts." You get the idea.

I liked the concept but I would really suggest reading it out loud to yourself. It is a little disjointed and you can easily correct this by "just listening" to how it sounds.

Hope this helps.

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

Thanks

Answer 2

1. It's "and" not "an"
2. It's not viewable.