Critique my writing please. (five questions)?

Question

was testing my 'writing on the spot' skills for NaNoWriMo (4 hours yay!). I realize it's not the next Charles Dickens or Jane Austen and that it's probably illogical but I wanted to gather opinions anyway.

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My eyes opened, finding the surroundings of my dimly lit bedroom around me. My brow was sodden with sweat, my breath came in irregular gasps, and my body trembled with both terror and immense delight from the inspiration I was just so blessed to receive.

The bed sheets flew from my body as I rushed to the closet, rummaging until I found a clean, white canvas. I squeezed various shades onto a paint-encrusted tray, dipping the fine bristled brush into a cream hue prior to haphazardly stroking it on the smooth surface.

My motions turned more fluid and precise after the clock hands had went around the face once. I found a perverse pleasure in the pallid corpse splayed on the dark, dirty cobblestone. The sloe-eyed child’s face captured fear, frozen in time by death. All that was left to complete the masterpiece was crimson.

I pressed the red paint tube between my fingers only to find it to be empty. It was nearly three in the morning, preventing me in purchasing a fresh supply, but I could not sleep again until it was finished. I sat for a moment, pondering deeply some solution for the trouble I faced.

I found the answer at the sight of the broken shards of glass, reflecting the dancing candle flames, from a broken liquor bottle. I grasped the largest clear slice and placed my hand on the lustrous mahogany table, hissing inwardly as I dug it through my flesh. The pain had no matter in my mind when I saw the lovely color stain my skin.

The small girls pale tresses were soon drenched in my blood. The splatter on the wall, the pool surrounding her small frame, the chaotic splashes on her torn frock were all from my veins. The bleeding had not ceased nor even slowed in five, ten minuets time and my mind was hazy, I knew if I did not stop it I would die.
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1. Do you believe the narrator was male or female?

2. Was the narrator too unrealistic?

3. Around what time would you say it took place?(e.g. Late 20th centuary)

4. What did you think of the wording? were the sentances to choppy or too legnthy?

5. Too much or too little detail?

Additional Details

The person is insane just so you know.

Answer 1

For NaNoWriMo, since word count is the main goal, this works well.

1. The narrator could be either gender. My guess is a female, maybe.
2. The narrator is realistic.
3. I'd say it took place in the twenty-first century, in Luishi, China.
4. The wording gets awkward and the sentences are lengthy, but that's what NaNoWriMo encourages: length. So lengthy sentences are probably standard for it.
5. There is enough detail, not too much and not too little.

P.S. I even pictured the painter as one in the town of Luishi.
The painter I read about there (an actual person) painted commissioned scenes she always said she didn't understand nor care about (said to be common for most in that town: many displayed this disaffection for things simply because change occurs there so much).
Her name is Chen. The dead "sloe-eyed" child made me think of her.
If Chen saw and painted that, she'd probably care a lot about it.
It's in the New Yorker magazine, in the one before the Halloween issue.
Did you read it?
Just wondering...
It's a good article.

ADD: See your addition.
In my opinion, a great many painters have been and will be considered "insane" by most other people.
Musicians, too.
Maybe writers as well... ;-) End ADD

Source(s):

your story

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Answer 2

1. Its very hard to say

2. Extremely so. I mean, who cares so much about a painting that they'll willingly bleed to death?

3. 1970s-1990s

4. There are too many adjectives at times, but the style is good.

5. Perhaps a bit too much detail of the narrators surroundings etc and not enough on their feelings.

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Answer 3

1. Do you believe the narrator was male or female? Female

2. Was the narrator too unrealistic? No it was fine, when I found out the person was insane

3. Around what time would you say it took place?(e.g. Late 20th centuary) 19th centuery

4. What did you think of the wording? were the sentances to choppy or too legnthy? I think that they where a bit too lengthy at times.

5. Too much or too little detail? Perfect.

Lovley writing, very interesting and skillfully written

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Answer 4

1.) Female
2.) No, not at all
3.) The 21st century
4.) They were well written, don't worry.
5.) Just enough.

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