I need some tough criticism. Will you tell me if this is a good story/idea for a novel?

Question

Hey, I really want to know if I have what it takes to be a writer. This is what i want to do with my life. Be completely honest. it will not hurt my feelings at all. I can handle the truth.

How we operate

The last year of high school is a tough transition in your life. You are thinking where am I going in life? What college am I going to go to? Am I going to stay friends with the people I know the most? It’s difficult being a senior in high school. Not know how your life is going to turn out is pretty scary, but falling in love with your best friend and trying to tell them when you are about to leave to pursue your dreams is not the easiest part of being a senior.
Some people have it pretty easy finding the right person they want to be with, others not so much. Pleasant Creek Missouri, home of the gremlins. It’s tough being an average girl at Sacred Heart catholic high school, with pale skin black hi-tops skinny jeans and a hoodie with your dark brown hair pulled up every day. You look over at the girl who’s got your man you want to be with for the rest of your life. Over there, with her clique, gossiping about sex, hook-ups and if she has anything in her teeth, that would be the girl I envy, Sarah Jean. Yeah she’s got the look, perfect teeth, perfect red, her curves are perfect, the clothes that she wears are mostly designer, not to mention perfect boyfriend. Nyland Davenport, captain of the soccer team, and my best friend. You are probably thinking, how he can be my friend. I’ve been friends with Nyland all my life, we basically grew up together. His mom and my dad were high school sweethearts, and eventually grew apart, his mom moved to North Carolina to become a doctor, and fell in love with his dad. Right when they had Nyland they moved back to Missouri to raise him here, and that’s when I come into the picture, Caitlin Sanford. Nyland and I were inseparable, until when he was 10 he mom died in a car accident. It was tough on him, but we were stronger than ever. Well when you hit your double-digit age, you can’t exactly be friends with a boy, so I met my other best friend Samantha Jane Page. She is one of a kind, she is basically the other me, except ten times funnier than and not as uptight as I am, and she’s tall for a normal girl. Sammy is skinny and has long blonde hair that flows perfectly around her face, even though she does nothing to it but shampoo, condition, and blow dries it. She has Sparkling blue eyes, with a button nose. Her pearly whites light up the room every time she smiles. She could actually be a model if she would actually try to look cute. It just seems like yesterday we were in junior high.
I never really thought that my senior year of high school, my parents would leave me but they did, they are really involved with their work, and moved to Italy to work on this big top secret project. So they let my brother, Nick, who basically is a lazy bum watch me for 9 months. It always surprises me how close we are, he always gives me great advice, and I hang out with him every time I’m not with Sammy or Nyland.
If you think my life is awesome, it’s not, I always end up screwing up something, come to find out I screw up a lot of stuff. But in the end, I always find the right path to success.
The bell rings, and Mrs. Walker lets us out early since we are seniors and all. Sammy and I run downstairs to the lunch line. “I hope its Sloppy Joes.” Sammy says with a gust of wind right after. We get to the line, and we get our food, and sit at our table, just us two, no one else. “Ugh, this is such a gross lunch.” I said. “I am so taking your sloppy Joseph then.” Sammy said. “Fine with me,” I replied. Sammy is chowing down on her sloppy joe. I look around to find my other best friend but he is nowhere in sight. Finally I turn back around in my seat. “You know he is probably getting his lunch.” Sammy said. “He always gets his lunch before me.” I exclaimed. “You know, you sound like a stalker.” Sammy said while eating with her mouth full. She was right, I observed him too much, but what if it’s not enough. Sometimes I just wish he would notice how much I care about him. I look around again, and there he is with his shaggy light brown hair, his dark brown eyes, his complexion almost too perfect for a teenager face, his letter jacket fitting his tight body, his jeans that he sags just a little below his waist, and his Nike size 12 shocks. Watching Nyland walking toward me was like seeing a Greek God. I sometimes thought that he had a certain glow around him, and everyone seemed to watch him as he went by.
“Hey you,” He said as he nudges me with his arm, his muscular arm, I got chills when he touched me. “Hey what’s up?” I said with my voice a little shaky. I could tell when I was too much when Sammy would kick me under the table. “I’m just about to go to snack bar” Nyland replied. “Why do you go to snack bar? It's lame.” I was right snack bar is lame. All people do is shoot aro

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Nope, you don't have what it takes--yet. Writing is a skill which requires practice and qualified critique and/or classroom work for the typical writer to achieve potential.

As of this moment, your writing is terribly wordy and unfocused. You can work to change that, of course.

I'll critique just a bit to show you what I mean.

The last year of high school is a tough transition in your life. [My life? Why are you bringing me into your story? It's better to lose 'you' and find another indefinite pronoun--if you need one at all. IMO, it would be better without any: The last year of high school is a trough transition in life.] You [Me? Leave me out of it!] are thinking[, W] where am I going [in life--delete--it's understood]? What college am I going to go to? Am I going to stay friends with the people I know [the most--delete--it adds nothing.]? [Good place for a new paragraph.] It’s difficult being a senior in high school. Not know [<--Agents and editors often reject on finding two mistakes. Here's your first.] how your life is going to turn out is pretty scary, but falling in love with your best friend and trying to tell them <--and two. Where's my 'REJECT' stamp?] when you are about to leave to pursue your dreams is not the easiest part of being a senior. [Wordy sentence.]
Some people have it pretty easy finding the right person [they want to be with, others not so much--the bracketed part could be deleted]. Pleasant Creek Missouri, home of the [G]gremlins. [<--What does this have to do with anything, since the school is not the public high school. and I doubt there are real gremlins in town.] It’s tough being an average girl at Sacred Heart [C]--and three, in case the agent is soft-hearted.] catholic high school, with pale skin[,] black hi-tops[,] skinny jeans[,] and a hoodie with your dark brown hair pulled up every day. [I'm sorry, but you did say you could take criticism. Not only does this sentence feature a high school with pale skin and very specific clothing, but it's got a hoodie with its own hair! Be mindful that descriptions of clothing are almost never necessary and rarely add a thing--but they date your work very quickly, as fashion changes.] You look over at the girl who’s got your man you want to be with for the rest of your life. Over there, with her clique, gossiping about sex, hook-ups and if she has anything in her teeth [huh?], that would be the girl I envy, Sarah Jean. Yeah[,] she’s got the look, perfect teeth, perfect red, her curves are perfect, the clothes that she wears are mostly designer, not to mention perfect boyfriend. Nyland Davenport, captain of the soccer team, and my best friend. You [Not me!] are probably thinking, how he can be my friend.[?]

It's hard to show the needless wordiness in the confines of YA. Let me take a one-pass rewrite of the part I copied. I'll come back and edit.

Edit: your wrote

The last year of high school is a tough transition in your life. You are thinking where am I going in life? What college am I going to go to? Am I going to stay friends with the people I know the most? It’s difficult being a senior in high school. Not know how your life is going to turn out is pretty scary, but falling in love with your best friend and trying to tell them when you are about to leave to pursue your dreams is not the easiest part of being a senior.

Some people have it pretty easy finding the right person they want to be with, others not so much. Pleasant Creek Missouri, home of the gremlins. It’s tough being an average girl at Sacred Heart catholic high school, with pale skin black hi-tops skinny jeans and a hoodie with your dark brown hair pulled up every day. You look over at the girl who’s got your man you want to be with for the rest of your life. Over there, with her clique, gossiping about sex, hook-ups and if she has anything in her teeth, that would be the girl I envy, Sarah Jean. Yeah she’s got the look, perfect teeth, perfect red, her curves are perfect, the clothes that she wears are mostly designer, not to mention perfect boyfriend. Nyland Davenport, captain of the soccer team, and my best friend. [237 words]

Fast rewrite:
The last year of high school is a trough transition. Where is my life going? Where will I go to college? Will I lose my old friends? Falling in love with your best friend right when you’re leaving to chase your dreams doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s easy for some people to find their special someone. In Pleasant Creek, Missouri, home of the Gremlins, it’s even tougher for an average girl at Sacred Heart Catholic. I hide in my hoodie and hope my clothes fit in, but Sarah Jean, the most perfectly formed, perfectly dressed, perfectly perfect of all the perfect girls in her clique, has the guy I want to spend my life with. Nyland Davenport, captain of the soccer team, and my best friend. [127 words]

I managed to cut the word count by almost half. What's missing that needs to be there? Nothing, really, except a tendency to repeat, to state what the reader understands, to use more words than you need to to make a statement.

It's a learned skill. You improve with practice. Take any page of something you wrote, count its words, and see if you can reduce the count by at least a third, better a half, without dropping content. It's slow going, but it forces you to write lean, the way agents and editors demand.

You work at it, and I guarantee you'll get better.