What do you think of my thesis statement? How can I improve on it?

Question

In “Harrison Bergeron”, Kurt Vonnegut shows that equality is not desirable by using symbols such as handicaps and the media which makes everyone equal by preventing people from making decisions and allowing the Handicapper General to control what you think and by setting the story in the future to show the reader what would eventually occur if total equality took place and what would happen if we do not act now. Satire is also used to persuade readers to believe that total equality will rob humans of their rights and go against human nature.

Okay so do u think its too long?
Is it too short? Not specific enough
tell me how i can improve on it please
This is property of Jasmine Yu

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

First sentence is way too long. Maybe something like:

In "Harrison Bergeron," Kurt Vonnegut shows that equality is not desirable by demonstrating to the reader what would eventually occur if the idea of equality was taken to the extreme. He does this through the use of symbols such as handicaps and the way in which the media makes everyone equal by preventing people from making decisions...

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

9

Answer 2

way

Source(s):

to many ands and lots of puncuntuation mistakes!!!!

Answer 3

It could be considerably shorter and clearer. How about, "In his satirical short story, "H B," Kurt Vonnegut suggests that equality is not possible in a society by depicting a character known as the 'Handicapper General' whose task it is to find unconventional ways of rendering people of unequal abilities more nearly equal.

I don't think you need to add the proviso that the thesis statement is your property.