How dose my story sound?

Question

Hi writing a short story this is the starting prequel tell me what u think sorry for grammatical errors etc.

The Forsaken

Shivering half to death I stood alone. The only thought that ran through my mind was that of revenge. My so-called, two best friends had left me stranded in the city with nothing but a couple of bucks to get home. Mel had gone off with the first sleaze ball that made eye contact with her and Jamie got completely wasted and disappeared with my purse, credit cards and all money. Except for the ten dollars I had at the time to buy myself another drink. So here I was, stranded on platform 17 at Central Station waiting for the midnight train to take me home. The truth really was that Mel and Jamie weren’t my best friends, they weren’t really even people I’d call friends. They just worked in the two cubicles next to mine and when they heard I got a promotion, it was just the right excuse for them to party with my money. After their constant nagging and begging my will succumbed to that of their mindless plans and here I ended up.

I was quite happy to celebrate my way; a hot cup of chocolate with extra marshmallows as my reward. Then I was going to snuggle into bed and watch the new movie remake of my favourite novel, “Pride and Prejudice”. Alas though my pride was broken as I pulled my jumper tighter around my waist and I let my long brown hair down to stop the wind chilling my neck. Prejudice however was an emotion only strengthened by the act of the two blonde bimbo’s who had got me stuck alone in this mess. If only I knew, I would have worn a nice warm pair of jeans and a thick woolly cardigan, rather than my favourite brown strapless dress that only ran a little pass my knees and only a thin black trench coat to cover my shoulders. I admit some blame can be passed to me as I did try to dress more attractive then practical. I was hoping to find someone tonight, that’s why I did try to dress up. I wouldn’t call myself a pretty gal, just your average height, brown eyes, and brown hair gal. Although I have been called pretty before and a fair share of men have asked me out, though I don’t really believe in going out with a guy unless there’s some sort of spark at first connection. Til this day I’ve never felt a spark so I’ve never been on a date. But now that I’m twenty-two and feeling rather lonely in my house, my theory has started to seem that much more flawed.

The next man I saw, there would be no spark, only screams. As I stood upon the station platform I realised I was not alone. I could heard footsteps, followed by the sound of jingling bells from the stairs under the adjacent platform, breaking the awkward silence I shared with myself. Then the figure of the man slowly revealed himself. He wore black pants, thick black boots and a thick buttoned up black leather jacket with spiked hair to match. His outfit was covered with metal chains and weirdly had small silver bells hanging from the chains. As it was weird I just shrugged it off as a strange new trend. I shrieked when our eyes met. He had realised I was watching him. His pupils were intensely dark green, unlike any I had ever seen before. He smirked, and then a train came roaring in through the station cutting our line of sight. This made me shriek even more. As I caught my breath the train finally passed through the station. Although my breath was lost again as I realised the man in black had disappeared and I was alone again on the station. Strange, my mind began to race as it was filled with fear as I worried about the stranger who was likely coming to rob me, only to find out I had nothing to rob!

My heart began to race as I conceived all the terrible things that could happen to me. While trying to take my mind off the imminent danger, my eye had caught the single standing vending machine at the end of the platform pressed against the walls surrounding the station. As I walked over to the vending machine, I noticed that one of the chocolate bars was just barely hanging on to the dispenser hook. A hard shake of the machine, and the bar was as good as mine.
I began shaking the machine vigorously, alas with no success. I then decided to bang the machine with my fist as hard as possible.
Bang…
Bang…
BANG, my head smashed against the glass, along with the rest of my body.
”You didn’t think I’d forgot about you, did you dearest?” the voice hissed.
I was pinned tightly against the vending machine. I tried to scream, but the attackers hand was griped to tight around my throat and air could barley pass through my lungs as blood poured down from the deep gash in my forehead onto my lips.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

aww why did you stop? at the good part, will she get away or not, will someone save her or will a train come or what. argh i want to know. i also really like the opening line

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Asker's Comment:

thanks if you want to read more go to fictionpress and look up my immortal by cameron johnson

Answer 2

its not really my sort of thing, but it sure beats all the sh*t about vampires out there. its a good start. but if you're serious about writing this you really need to edit and grammar check. good luck with it.

Source(s):

writer

Answer 3

Good start, but you do need to fix your spelling. And seriously, books about vampires are not sh*t. At least they sell.
I don't think the name really matches with the story line, unless you are changing the plot as you go along?
Again, it's good.
Shelliie.

Source(s):

Writer.

Answer 4

hey that's really cool better than vampire stuff-check your spelling!