Was it my fault the relationship went bad in the first place?

Question

Ok. My relationship has ended. 8 years and its over. I feel like i tried really hard, heres my question. I had 3 children when we met and we had one together 2 years later. Our sex life was great in the beginning, however this man always told little white lies, traveled away a lot but i always felt like he loved me. He was not great with the kids but acceptable i suppose. Just after my 4 th was born our sex life almost died, same old reasons, i was a tired housewife he worked away and i was resentful because i was always stuck at home, bout the only time we got on well was when we had time out together without the kids around. So as the relationship progressed more little lies came out, you know like when would call and he wouldnt answer his phone till the third time and hed say he was at work but really at a mates or at the pub he spend thousands on the pokies and generally did bugger all around the home, we were behind in the rent and things were going downhill..but i loved him and he loved me. 7 years into the relationship, he had an illness which required surgery, he was off work for months i looked after him and actually enjoyed it...isnt that pathetic, i finally felt i had some form of control and i liked him being around. But he was a grumpy man, tired all the time, even before he was sick he was always lazing around, went to work when he decided to, never paid tax, didnt do chores, was angry toward the kids..blah blah blah...so...in the end, while he was away i met someone else and we hit it off, nothing happened and i felt terrible, so i told him, he needed to stop working away, come home and be with his family. That statement made no impact on him until i told him i was having feelings for someone else. With that he quit work, came home and decided to spend his time at home checking my emails, reading my messages on my phone and calling me to see where i was every 5 minutes..this ended our relationship for 3 months and duriing that 3 months i slept with the new man. I felt so bad that the first thing ii did was tell him.....we ended up getting back together. That lasted a year, during that year he minded the kids at night while i went to work, minded them while i was at college and went to work occasionally himself, he complained that he was doing all the work and getting nothing in exchange, he was angry and miserable, and i was angry with him because he wouldnt trust me, he made life hell. I finally snapped and one day drug tested him and that tested positive for speed and ice. I offered help, kindly, didnt over react, he said it was only recreational, we fought he left i begged him to come back, he wouldnt, stating that he couldnt handle me because i was an abusive cow, 3 days later he said he was ready i said no way. Since then i have found out he is an addict and he blames it all on me, my actions pushed him to drugs and i worked him too hard. He felt unloved and unappreciated. Its been 7 months and my heart has been broken over and over..in that 7 months he has only been to take the kids out once, the rest of the time he will miss planned visits because of so called work, and if he does come over he will spend the time questioning the kids about what mummy has been doing and who with. I am sad. My question is this.....should i try again to make this work, give him another shot, pay him more attention, try to understand more, he says he will change when i show him more love and be the women i used to be.
I have a chance at a new life with a new man, i have actually enjoyed being on my own for the past 7 months, i have found strength in myself, i believe ii am ready to move on, the only thing that gets me sometimes is the fact that if i had of been more loving toward him he may have been a different man...maybe i started the ball rolling? I dunno im sick of wondering...i know this has been a long story but really its just a little of the whole story, thanks for taking the time to read through. Should i just move on now?

Additional Details

Thanks for your great answers and reading such a long question....Its been so hard and i have had so many thoughts going through my head over and over again...i just wanna know that i have done my best in this relationship, i never believed it would end and its hard coming to terms with the shock of finding him out to be an addict, i think i knew for a while but i was too scared to find out the truth, i loved this man a lot and he still has his good points, everybody does. I know i cant change him, i know hes gotta change himself and i feel as if i should move on, im so sick of being stuck. Thanks again

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

"Should i just move on now?" Yes.
You may not have loved him well enough, but it would have been nearly impossible when he CHOSE to spend most of his time away from you, using "work" as an excuse, even though he was spending time relaxing by himself - "...more little lies came out... he'd say he was at work but really at a mates or at the pub..."
Add to that the fact that he would spend thousands on gambling while not meeting the bills at home "...he spend thousands on the pokies and generally did bugger all around the home, we were behind in the rent and things were going downhill...".
Then he was "...a grumpy man, tired all the time, even before he was sick he was always lazing around, went to work when he decided to, never paid tax, didn't do chores, was angry toward the kids..blah blah.." and it sounds like he never was invested in your marriage or the family.
When his illness caused the situation to become reversed he "...complained that he was doing all the work and getting nothing in exchange..." even though it was fine with him when it was you doing the hard work, even though you were both working and attending school at the time?
Then he's using drugs and blaming you for his choice? Sounds like nothings changed. He did always blame you for all the miseries in his life anyway.
Then he uses this as an excuse to (once again) abandon his family and his obligations, and you want to know if its really your fault, and if you should give this yet another try?

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

Thank you xo

Answer 2

yes

Answer 3

Do not gloat, 85 percent of relatiobships from affairs faile.

Oh, do the human species a favor tie the tubes.

Answer 4

Sounds like you are just spinning your wheels in the mud, girl.
Move on and find yourself again....laugh again. You will find someone who is worthy of you and you need to realize that you do deserve to be truly loved. Marriage is work,,,,,,just not a struggle.

Answer 5

okay so i read the hole thing, so i will answer
sounds like the relationship was rocky from the
start. some things
aren't meant to be and you have to
accept that. instead of trying
to start over, because this will
just keep happening.
you sound like
you better off without him.
so instead of trying to redo things,
i think you should just end it and
start over with someone new.
you can do better then a drug addict
and abuser right?

hope it helped. gl
:)

Source(s):

my brain:)

Answer 6

hun move on it is time to get a new life. He is a drug addicted and is most likley cheating as well. You have a new man go for it make yourself happy again.

Answer 7

you should move on. usually i'm totally supportive of trying to make things work but he should not be around you or your kids until he is clean and sober, has a steady job, and is a completely different person. until he is on the right track (and for a long time) he is only going to be bad for you and your kids. no matter what he promises or says to you, you have to know that he is an addict and needs to work on himself before you can work on your relationship.
and this isn't your fault! not at all. think of all the people who are in weird, twisted, crazy relationships... veeeery few of them turn out to be addicts. that is something in his personality. you didn't pry open his mouth and force him to take drugs over and over again! you weren't the one who forced him to waste money on gambling and you didn't tell him to go to the pub with his friends and lie to you about it. i'm sure the failure of your relationship isn't 100% his fault. in relationship problems, most of the time both people are at least partly to blame. but it was his choice to take drugs, gamble, lie, etc.
you need to take care of yourself and your children. don't let them have their father around if he's an unemployed addict. that will do more harm than good for them.
take your time apart. move on. if you meet someone else, good for you. great! if he cleans up and gets a job and sometime in the future (the veeery far future) you two decide to give it another try, that's fine too. but if you get back together now you aren't going to go back to the couple you were 8 years ago. that's impossible and too much has happened since that time.

good luck!