New story....opinion?

Question

Here it is :

Our hearts grow tender with memories and
love of our kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having in spirit, become a child again at Christmas time.
- Laura Ingalls Wilder.


Christmas was coming.
My favourite time of the year.
The part that always got me the most joyous was buying for my kids.
See, I have two, Kayla is five and Brooklyn
is two.
Both girls.
Another important person in my life was Ethan.
He has always been my best friend, and that will never change.
We've known each other since grade one.
He has always been there for me too. Like when I found out my husband had been cheating on me with his co-worker.
I never trusted that nasty, bitter, perfect, wanna be, slut !
Sorry about that.
Anways, we were together for 10 years.
It was wonderful.
I never thought in a million years he would do that.
But apparently he proved me wrong.
But back to my girls.
They are my world. I never thought I could love someone so much.
Again, they proved me wrong.
" Mommy ! Mommy !" I could hear Kayla calling me from upstairs.
" Yeah ?" I shouted back.
" Brooklyn's awake." She sounded cheerful.
I stood up, my body was tired, as was I.
I gently set my mug down, which contained coffee.
And I made my way up.
Kayla was waiting for me at the top of the stairs.
Her face glowed. Her blonde hair hung to her shoulders, and her blue eyes were filled with happiness.
She wore her favourite pink silk pajamas.
Ethan bought then for her 5th birthday.
Anywho, accompaning her was her favourite stuffed animal.
Hoppy.
He was a light pink bunny rabbit. She always has to take him everywhere she goes.
I finally reached the last step.
Kayla's mouth formed a beautiful smile.
"Did you wake her up again ?" I jokingly asked.
" No."
She was a bad liar.
I laughed and began strolling to Brooklyn's room.
It was decorated in fairies.
She loved them.
Brooklyn's head drifted to me, when I entered.
Her arms swung outside of her crib.
That meant she wanted to be taken out.
Her green eyes watched me as I headed for her, as her blonde hair daggled to her jaw.
I carefully removed her.
She hooked a hand around my neck, while her other one in her mouth.
"Morning sleepy head." I kissed her forehead.
She eyed me then touched my cheek.
Suddenly I felt arms wrapped around me.
I glimpsed down and Kayla was hugging me tightly.
Brooklyn rested her head on my shoulder.
I wanted to stay like this forever.

Additional Details

By the way,
I still have a lot more to
go. This is just a sample.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

What you've written, its content, is really lovely. The way you've formatted it makes it appear to be a poem, although I think that is not your intent. If you mean it to be prose, I would suggest that you rewrite it in the style of prose with more complex sentences. But, I do realize that you may prefer to have it be exactly as you've written it, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that; as an author you are entitled to employ "poetic license", that is, to write however you wish. And yet, I do think that if you plan to expand upon it, for it to become a lengthy story or potentially a novel, you must alter the style. For me to read an entire book written in short choppy sentences in the poetic format would be a chore. I like what I read to flow, for the sentences to be complex for the most part -- a short to-the-point sentence now and then is perfectly all right, but generally sentence structure should be varied to make the story more interesting to read, plus you really should make logical paragraphs and not simply make each sentence a separate entity. As I said initially, though, I do like the spirit of what you've written and would like to know where you mean to take the story if you have imagined its entire plot. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Answer 2

You have a lot of problems with tense (was, were, are, wanted), and you deviate quite a bit from the subject (ranting about the ex husband). For the most part, there isn't a whole lot of spice to the story, but I strongly encourage you to keep trying! There is always room for improvement and it takes a lot to sit down and start writing! Good job!

Answer 3

Very good description of the girls, describe the main character more. Good Job!

Answer 4

I can understand your love for your kids. It sounds like a very good journal entry rather than a story. It doesn't have the story elements such as intro, climax, rising action...etc.

Answer 5

It needs a little more meat to it...you'll really have to sweat it out! You may need more descriptive detail.Good Luck!