Out of curiosity, what do you think of this poem?

Question

I wrote this a few months ago, inspired by the book Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite. I have had it work shopped at a writers camp I attended, but I just want to know what the great people of the internet think. Please judge fairly, but don't be an *** just for the sake of it.

This


It is almost like birth,
Something remembered, but not recalled.

I remember the dark lines and rivulets of blood,
The pale yellow gleam of sickly fat under the skin,
Thick organs being pulled out by their sinews,
And yet I cannot recall pain.

Dying is an experience I would gladly welcome again,
But only if I could witness it.
Like a bird from above
Watching myself being pulled apart.
Seeing orifices never explored.

The darkness came too quickly
I thought to myself, eyes blind, ears deaf
Swimming through the womb of afterlife.

I wished I had seen the latticework of veins deconstructed,
My fibres stretched until ripped,
Unresisting flesh yielding to sharp nails and teeth,
A cacophony of breaking bones.

It is almost like birth,
A body deconstructed, not formed.


(If you are not all that bright and cannot understand this poem, it is a about a murder victim that has become obsessed with his own death.)

Additional Details

I've no realized the idiocy of the last point in parenthesis I made.

I'm not sure why I did that.

Please ignore it. Please.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Too grotesque..

Answer 2

I'm bright enough to know that sometimes someone not understanding something is the fault of the person talking rather than the person listening...same goes for poetry. Mildly interesting, but underwhelming.

You might also like to consider the possibility that it's not too bright to alienate your audience by potentially insulting some of them.

Answer 3

I aint brite even nohow but its look lik you are dead so how can u writ it?

Answer 4

It's interesting.
A little too macabre for me.

Answer 5

I really enjoyed it. I love that book and it's hard to capture its essence in a poem (I've tried) but this is very nice.

Answer 6

I consider myself to be bright. It's interesting, but not really my style in poetry. Good job.