How do I raise a feminist son?

Question

I have a little boy who just turned four. And I am wondering how I can raise him to treat women as equals. I have done some things like not forcing him to play with "male" toys. Also, I have him make his bed every morning along with his three year old sister's bed so he will not grow up expecting women to do all the domestic chores. My husband and I split all duties 50-50 and I make sure he sees us sharing all these tasks. He is such a little joy in my life but I still wonder if there is anything else I should be doing. Any other suggestions?

Additional Details

Maria: I thought it would be interesting to get other people's perspective on this. But I certainly don't need other people questioning the truthfulness of the question! I have re-opened my e-mail if you want to talk.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Take some tips from one grateful son:

"My parents divorced when I was six; my brother and I were raised by a single mother. (Our father visited regularly, and theirs was -- thank God -- a civil and even cordial separation.) It was not easy being a single mom to two very young sons. We might have lived in Carmel, but money was tight at times, and my mother had to cope with all of the anxieties and doubts that come in the aftermath of a divorce, separation, and the assumption of sole permanent custody.

But as we talked about on Saturday, my mother also gave a great gift to my brother and me: she always made it clear that she wasn't sacrificing her life for us. From the time we were small, our mother always took time for herself. She had her poetry group, her work with the League of Women Voters, and other social and community activities in which we were not involved. Now mind you, she was a loving and devoted mom! My brother and I grew up knowing we were cherished and protected and cared for. But we also knew that our mother did not exist merely to meet our needs -- she had a mind of her own, wants of her own, and she was going to make time for herself as well as for her sons.

What my mother wanted to do, and succeeded in doing, was liberating us from the horrible pressure of living our lives to pay back a mom who had "sacrificed everything for us." My mom had seen too many parents devote everything they had to their children, with their only joys coming from their kids' successes. She had seen some of those kids grow up into anxious and guilt-ridden adults, who were continually haunted by a sense that their mothers and fathers (more often their mothers) had given up so damned much for them. There are few burdens more awful, she felt, than having to live a life that justifies all of your parent's sacrifices!

My mother was and is a feminist. As I've written before, we grew up with Ms. Magazine and books by Germaine Greer and Kate Millett on the coffee table. But my mother's greatest feminist lesson was this: she made it clear that we could not expect women to drop everything for us. Relationships mattered, families mattered, love mattered -- but personal happiness mattered too! My mother knew that someday her sons would be in relationships with women, and she knew enough to know that how she met our needs as small boys would be reflected in many of our choices when we became boyfriends, lovers, and husbands. So she showed us two things:

1. She loved us very, very much and always would

2. Her happiness was not solely contingent upon us

I grew up with absolute certainty about both of these things, and it was and is one of the greatest gifts my mother could have given me. My mother never, ever, gave us the awful speech far too many of my students get: "After all I've done for you, you owe it to me to..." I've seen friends of mine who still struggle as adults to overcome the tremendous guilt they feel, knowing how much their parents sacrificed for them. And while I honor that their parents did make sacrifices, I urge these same friends to not pass on this dreadful legacy to their children. This doesn't mean abandoning your kids, mind you -- it's perfectly possible to shower your children with love and give them a sense of security while simultaneously making it clear to them from an early age that your happiness does not hinge on what they do!

So my belief in the importance of women's autonomy and personal freedom -- even as wives and mothers -- came to me early in life. A first-born son growing up in a household without a father (amateur psychologists, have at it!), I was very close to my mother. I still am. And my adult feminism is linked in no small way to the lessons she taught me. Motherhood, I learned, is a role -- but it need not be an all-consuming identity. The fact that my mother had a life outside of her children gave me the confidence to live out my life without fear that I would destroy her if I made mistakes or deviated from a planned path. Her commitment to her own happiness allowed me to make a similar commitment to my own -- and for that, I will forever be tremendously grateful."

Source(s):

http://hugoboy.typepad.com/hugo_schwyzer…

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

Solid.

Answer 2

You can't force him to act a certain way. I'm a feminist and treat women equal, but I grew up with "male toys". If he respects and loves you, and see your husband respecting you as an equal, then that is what will make him treat women equally.

Answer 3

Please don't, boys need to grow up to be men , not some androgynous, gender confused mutant.
There are plenty of those already , please , Please just let him grow up to be a normal man !

Answer 4

My personal opinion would be not to concentrate on raising specifically a feminist son, but rather focus on raising an individual to be himself.

Let him be all that he can be as himself, so he can utilize his full potential. Then, set limits based on what society's rules are, such as treating people, men AND women, with respect, etc.

Answer 5

You breach your duty of care by denying your child the basic dignity to be a member of the male gender.
I hope he takes a civil case when he grows up and sues you for emotional harm. It's like forcing a black kid to value the confederacy

You're denying him the most basic autonomy, the right to value what you want and to lead a life free from the ideological imperialisation of others

Answer 6

nature over nurture. leave him to grow and give him a chance to have his own understandings. i know people who grew up with really respectful and responsible parents. but the kid was a huge trouble maker, really obscene and disobedient. there's sooo many kids like that.
hes gonna have his own brain, and depending on himself, when you try to show him what's right or wrong, he might look at you and think "what does she know"
or he might think "yes, your right"
leave that to him to decide. you gave him a life, not yourself half a life.

most kids rebel against there parents because they don't wanna be controlled or demanded especially mentally. they become kids, the parents were aiming not to shape.

don't shape your boy.

Answer 7

Teach him that women/girls are better than men/boys and that they deserve more rights.

Seriously, anyone who's trying to turn their own children into a feminist deserve to be spray and/or neuter so that they can't reproduce anymore.

Answer 8

Okay so how about you make his life about him and not about you..

Source(s):

Just a suggestion.

Answer 9

amen to cookie

Answer 10

Be careful, I raised my son to believe in equality between the sexes, now his wife walks all over him. I should have taught him to give as good as you get.

Answer 11

It would be best to drop the feminist lingo, because suppose while raising him you focus his attention on how women where wronged in the past or put an over emphasis on "treating women right" all you will get is a son who will end up a self man hater.

There are many feminist men who fall under that category.

I would suggest a more libertarian or perhaps "equaltarian" approach.

When buying him toy's buy toy's designed to stimulate his mind. If he choices to buy "male toys" let him make that choice.

But If I read you right you have your son make his own bed then his sisters bed as well?

If that is the case I suggest you speak to a good psychologist. Because it seems you are taking out gender related hostilities onto your son(if not then ignore the shrink part) because your setting your son up to be a "welcome mat" and I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up in an abusive relationship(as the abused).

But all in all there young only once so let them be young, let them play. Lead by example, if you and your husband treat each other with respect he will pick up on it.

BUT if you use feminist ideology as an excuse to emotionally abuse him or as an excuse to hound him while giving his sister alot of breaks you could very well ruin him.

Answer 12

You don't prevent his man-hood in order to see this. It's unnecessary,and honestly, you kid's gonna have an easier time growing up and fitting in if he's raised like most other boys.

However, I think a great alternative to this, would be to have him and his sister share everything 50-50, instead of him doing more work than his sister. Equality is the key!

Answer 13

If you treat your children equally, you shouldn't have to worry about whether your son grows up to think of men and women as equals. This really doesn't require much thought. I suspect this isn't a real question.

P.S.- If you want him to learn equality, show him that his sister can make her own bed (yes, three year-olds are capable of this).

Answer 14

Purposely feminist? How about you give the child a choice.

Answer 15

Castration is the easiest way. Sounds like you are halfway there.

Answer 16

Just teach him to be a gentleman and it will be fine.

Answer 17

If you "force" him to be a feminist then he'll rebel and turn out to be the opposite of what you want. I think the fact that you and your husband are setting an example is great, it's better done than said. I don't think there's anything else you should be doing, just teach him to be a respectful gentlemen to women when he grows up, and he'll be set for life.

Answer 18

Ehm, why would you raise your son to be a feminist? My mom tried to do this to me, and when I hit puberty I had a gender identity crisis, and I was super feminine and not masculine, and I couldn't get a girl for sh1t.

Feminist - Feminine - Female - Woman

Masculine - Male - Man

Get my drift?

Also, how are you raising your son equally if you are preventing him playing with the "Male" toys? Does that mean you have stopped your daughter from playing with "Female" toys?

Also, how is it equal if your son makes his bed, and his sisters bed, but his sister doesn't have to make anything?

It seems some how that you would rather make it harder for him than his sister, which I suspect there is some underlying subconscious reason for this.

You need to treat a little boy like a little boy, not like a little girl. Or he will end up like how I was, everyone will think he is gay, he won't be able to get a date for **** and he will act like a woman too.

If you want your son to suffer the scorn and ridicule that I did, be my guest and go ahead.

However, when your son finally gets his balls strapped on correctly and figures out what you did, don't blame him if he decides to never talk to you again due to the humiliation and hardship.


Welcome to the position my mom is in!

Also, I would bet you all the money in my bank account he is going to be saying something similar to this someday.

Sigh, brain please.

Answer 19

first of all i agree with everything that RARA said , you want to raise your son feminist ? the only things you will accomplish is 1) turning him gay , and 2) making him hate you ,and he will hate you later in life because you raised him that way

Source(s):

my mother tried to raise me that way and now she is dead to me

Answer 20

It's interesting that you use the word "feminist" in reference to your son. I've always been told men can't be feminists per se. That a feminist is a woman pushing for women's rights, and thus, a male can at best be pro-feminist, meaning supportive of women and their causes. It seems like an odd thing to say though, like saying that saying white folks in the 19th century could only be pro-abolitionist (although white folks started that movement so I guess they could call it whatever they want). Maybe we should do away with the term "feminist" which seems to naturally bring along some divisiveness, and use the term "gender egalitarian" or something akin to that.

Answer 21

If he sees you and your husband both doing chores, that is giving him a good example.

However, what toys he plays with should be up to him. Most boys naturally gravitate towards contstruction toys, weapons etc, there's no use trying to make him play with dolls if he doesn't want to, and it'snot likely to make him any more feminist anyway.

Answer 22

Typical feminist. It's not enough to try to raise him to be a good person instead you feel the need to ruin him with feminism.

Well to answer your question directly you can do it the way most feminists do by telling him how worthless he is because he is a male and you can teach him to feel inferior by showing him that women are to be treated better than men. And when he is taught that then he can be further immasculated by being told that equality means never disagreeing with a woman and only fighting to gain women power.

And lastly you can teach him to ignore what is happening to men. So when the feminist woman he marries is tired of bieng a wife he will know he deserves everything the courts do and take from him.

So yeah teach him to be a feminist and I will mourn for another lost male.

Answer 23

I think what you are doing is a good idea however, nobody can be sure how our children are going to turn out, all we can do is teach them the difference between right and wrong.

Take my husband for example. He was bought up in a household where his mother waited on him, his two brothers and his father hand and foot, not because she was forced to but because she wanted to, but she also taught him the difference between right and wrong and the correct way to treat people which, IMO is far more important. As we both work full time my husband know it's only fair that we split the chores equally too. If a man refuses to do this then he is not only a misogynist but also a complete b*stard whose probably had a terrible upbringing.

If your son can see how his parents repsect each others opinions then he will grow up to be a well balanced young man able to make his own decisions. He might choose a non feminist wife whose only goal is to look after her husband and children .... there is nothing wrong with that either as long as it's not forced upon her.

Answer 24

Your poor kid is going to end up confused as hell when he figures out that men and women are different. (Men and women are different but to be valued equally).

Source(s):

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/th…

Answer 25

Surround yourself with men who model the traits that are important. If your husband and you split 50/50 chances are that will be second nature to your son.

As he gets older discuss why its important, and what things in history were important to equality.

Answer 26

How do I raise a feminist son?

By setting a good example of a feminist woman with a solid, happy marriage to a feminist man. :-)
Talk to your son as he gets older, and always let him see and understand a woman's point of view as well as a man's.

Then, Cross your fingers and hope for the best! lol

Forget the gender appropriate toys thing.
That doesn't make one a feminist or not. Both boys AND girls should play with toys that interest THEM and stimulate their intellect and imaginations....
(although I am personally against guns and weapons as "toys").

Good Luck!

Answer 27

You make him make his sister's bed? What is she going to learn from that - that she shouldn't have to take care of herself because she's female? That isn't good for either of them, hun. He will grow to resent having to do her chores and she will become entitled and spoiled. Big mistake. Seriously.

Don't try to raise him to be a feminist. Teach him to treat girls nicely. Teach him how to cook and clean, and make sure he is involved with the household chores as he grows up. Trust me, that will be enough. PS make sure you teach your daughter the same things. Make sure she knows to treat boys nicely and not assume that all boys want to get in her pants because they're pigs. Make sure she knows how to cook and clean.

I don't see why there has to be a label like "feminist" involved. We are talking about a little boy. Why not just raise both kids to be decent, thoughtful people and not bother to make sure they're feminists?

Answer 28

This question has been raised recently on Feministing.com the Feminist Portal. And was also asked by a Woman in Christina Hoff Sommers book "Who Stole Feminism?". Hoff Sommers is an Equity Feminist. She recounted the story of a boy raised by a Feminist Mother. Who gave him Gender Neutral Toys, and raised him with feminist ideaology. It worked great until he hit puberty. When Testosterone flooded his Brain and body. A Boy picked on his Sister and her Son got into fights. When he hit his early twenties he Joined the US Army and is now an Airborne Ranger. A professional Soldier.

You can try to turn a Timber Wolf into the Family Pet. But it is hard wired to be a Predator. Men are hard wired to be Men. The relentless attempts by Feminists to "Reprogram Boys" into PC Feminist Friendly emasculated Males doesn't work.

How about giving him the Freedom to grow up without you trying to make him feel guilty for being born with the Wrong Genitals? It is not a crime to be a Male. I have two daughters, Who I love and would give my life to protect. And three Sons. My oldest was actually less aggressive than his older Sister until puberty.

He did not like to be swung hard on swings and fast roller coasters Spooked him. What did he Do? He went into the Fire Services, rappelling from Helicopters down the side of cliffs to rescue people. Then he went into the Army as a Nightstalker 160ths Special Ops Air Regiment 101st Airborne.

His Family's military service goes clear back to the Calloway Mounted Regiment in Kentucky before there was a United States of America.

Answer 29

I dont think that you would want to try that because your sons gonna be a little wimp for lack of a better term. And your daughter not gonna have such a good life if she think a mans gonna do every thing for her

Source(s):

you know who also a feminist Dr robotnik