What do you think of these quotes ?

Question

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly
A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
-- Milton Berle
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
-- Victoria Wood

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Superb. Liked them all. Les Dawson's is best.

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

Thanks for your answer lilberni, I liked the Bob Monkhouse one the best.

Answer 2

yes

Answer 3

I am afraid I could not be arsed to read it!

Answer 4

idono

Answer 5

they're cute...I like the 1st best =]

Answer 6

too long...lazy to read all of it

Answer 7

What's the title of the book?

Answer 8

funny!

Answer 9

lol, tht's very funny. The best one, was winnin' a trip to china....
*****

Answer 10

LOL! Omg, thanks for making my day, I nearly pissed myseld on that mad cow one :D

Answer 11

all these quotes are simply....awesome

Answer 12

Funny, quite funny. Some of 'em, not so funny. I like the first one. And the mad cow one. lol.

Answer 13

Demetri Martin --middling funny
What is a "King Arthur's close" ?
What is a coil?
In awe -- Way too long for no joke at end.
Mad Cow's -- doesn't work as TEXT.

Sam Ewing joke -- Lame
Milton Jones joke -- Lamer
Milton Berle joke -- Lamest
Jerry Dennis -- ugh!
Victoria Wood-- ??? Doesn't read right.

Try this one: A guy was on his way back to the omlet house (where everybody's a little scrambled,) when he realized it was almost midnight (curfew.) He was running accross the cemetary as a shortcut when the devil jumped out at him and said "Give me your money!" He said I don't have any money. The devil says "What have you got?" He says, "Just this hump on my back." "Okay, I'll take that," the devil says.

When he gets back to the omlet house and tells his roomate, the roomate decides to try the same thing. He goes into the cemetary near midnight and the devil jumps out at him. the devil says, "Give me your money!" He says "I've got none." The devil says "What have you got?" He says "Just this one leg shorter than the other." So the devil says, "Good then you won't mind this HUMP!"

Answer 14

Laughter is one of the unsolved problems of philosophy. Very Good!

Answer 15

i love the superman one lmao

Answer 16

good one.....excellent.....awesome quotes

.....good job.....keep up the good ones

Answer 17

Good ones - I especially liked the last one! Thanks for the laugh Suzie! A star is on its way to you! CJ

Answer 18

pathetic

Answer 19

Liked them - especially the one from the late great Les Dawson!

Answer 20

Not bad!!!

Answer 21

a bit long but very good thanks