Groom's Parents Question on Wedding Expenses - Feeling Guilty?

Question

Should I feel guilty because my husband and I cannot help with the expenses of my son's wedding? We are both retired on a very small income. Bride's parents, grandparents and stepmother are financially better off. I paid for son's suit and we plan on giving him a bit of cash for his honeymoon. When I told my future daughter-in-law we just couldn't help much, she said that the brides family takes care of most of the expenses but grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and their honeymoon. I told her we just didn't have it. They are going to Las Vegas and there is no way we can pay for that. She also wanted me to buy a very expensive mother's dress to match her colors, it was over $300 - I told her that I couldn't afford it. She is a sweet person but has appeared kind of smug about it all lately, it really makes me sad I can't do more. She knew a long time ago that we are not well off. My son seems to understand but I still feel guilty about it, what would you do?

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Okay, here's the answer. Weddings have become so over the top, thanks to television and gossipy newspapers that tell what all the stars are doing, so brides everywhere want a wedding to top whichever star is in vogue today. Brides do not get to hold up the groom's family. They only get to hold up their own family and only to the extent that their families will take it. The groom's family pays for nothing. The groom pays for the bride's rings, her bouquet, the license, the honeymoon and the minister. The rehearsal dinner is not obligatory but is a nice gesture on the part of the groom's parents to take the heat off the bride's parents the night before the wedding. If you wish to have the rehearsal dinner, feel free to have it at your home and serve whatever you can afford. As for your dress, wear a flattering color and style that you can afford. Under no circumstances should you max out your credit cards for anyone's dream day. What your son's fiancee does not realize is that on a fixed income a couple of unplanned doctor's visits can blow your budget to hades. If they can't afford a trip to Las Vegas then they should honeymoon someplace else, even at home if need be. Don't be bullied.

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

Thank you for your valued input. I agree with you, but can't help feeling bad because of her attitude. I will just do the best we can!

Answer 2

Take out the credit card. I don't see why you can't come up with a reasonable amount you both can agree on and go from there. Get together and make a budget that works for the both of you.

Answer 3

customary it is like that grooms family pays for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. but with today day and age unless he is getting married from your home meaning he still lives there and helps pay for things there then he is adult and he pays for his own wedding same with the girls family i am sorry i personally think those getting married pay for there own affair and if anyone is a sucker and can pick up there tap then go for it. there is no reason for you to pick up there tab and go in dept to pay for there things. have a serious sit down with them and tell them point blank you can only afford 1,000.00 or what ever it is and that is including your attire and transportation to this event. and stick to the budget and dont budge off of it.

Answer 4

First of all, yes, there are traditional roles of who pays for what, but most of the time nowadays the couple pays for most of everything themselves. I have not heard -at least in modern times- of a bride insisting that the groom's parents pay for the honeymoon!!! Perhaps I live under a rock, though.

If you can't pay, you can't pay. That's all there's to it. She's becoming a bridezilla and your son needs to handle her. Don't feel guilty, they should expect to pay for everything and be grateful for the help they get from any of the family.

Answer 5

As a bride of less that a year ago I can understand how she may feel. Though I do think she isn't binging fully understanding. Perhaps you can find a few things that are reasonable to you and ask her opinion on which one she thinks is best. As for the honeymoon, chip in what you can..same for the rehearsal dinner.

More and more brides and grooms are no longer following the tradition of who pays for what, because many are already established in careers...unlike 100 years ago where few women worked and most couples got married right out of high school or college.

Answer 6

I've never heard that the groom's parents pay for the honeymoon, that's the groom's responsiblity. I think that what you have already done is fine. It's a whole lot more than my inlaws contributed - my mom in law couldn't even take off work for the rehearsal and she had a part in the wedding. If you don't have the money there is nothing you can do, don't be pressured into over extending yourself - that will only be hard on you in the end.

Answer 7

A Grooms parents traditional roll is to pay for the rehearsal dinner (no one said it had to be a sit down at a 5 star restaurant; this could be very casual and in your own back yard over a BBQ) and to help out with the flowers. Also, if there is something particular they wanted at the ceremony or reception such as candelabra or champagne fountain they would fit the bill for it.

My suggestion to you is to buy your soon to be daughter in law a book on wedding etiquette and let her know that you and your husband are doing everything you can and that you have made a budget out and would be able to contribute XX but that is all.

IMHO if she is still smug then it is up to your son to help her to understand.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. A wedding is such a special time and should be enjoyed by all.

Best of Luck!

Answer 8

Although it's *tradition* for the groom's parents to pay for the honeymoon, I can't say I know a single person who didn't pay for the honeymoon themselves. I don't think this is actually in practice any more!

But, the groom's parents do pay for the rehearsal dinner. Can you afford that? My parents paid for my brother's, and they set the guest list and hosted it at their home to keep costs down. They said wedding party only (no partners came unless it was a spouse) and immediate family. My aunt and uncle were the only extended family that came, because they travelled. You don't have to let ALL family come, nor do you have to invite all out of town guests if you can't afford to.

Let your son deal with his fiance and go buy your own dress. If you can find one in the colour she likes, great. If not, find something nice and hopefully your son will understand.

Answer 9

It's your son's wedding! Hopefully the biggest, most important day of his life. You knew this day would come. You may have even known for a while that he's getting married. You have no excuse to not have started putting money away as soon as you found out.

I empathize with your daughter-in-law. She's probably not being "smug", just understandably upset that you aren't trying to help more. I know a lot of people who are "not well off", but when one of their kids gets married they give them a little more than what would amount to a birthday present (a suit and some cash). Can you find a cheaper matching dress or did you just say "no"?

If your house is paid for, you could take out a small loan.

Answer 10

If you can't afford it, you simply can't afford it, end of story. I wouldn't feel guilty about it one bit. The bride is being rather presumptuous here in asking you to buy something you simply cannot afford, especially when she knows you can't afford it. DO NOT put this on a credit card--period.

I would talk to my son, and tell him how this is making you feel. However, you know how brides get to be, this one may be a very lovely girl, who's turning into a bridezilla. There's not much you can do about that, but put your foot down and no matter what, do not spend money you do not have. Your son may have to have a little talk with his bride to be, and point blank explain your situation to her. She's being quite rude (in my opinion) by treating you this way. Please quit feeling guilty about it--although as a mother, I know how difficult that is!

Congratulations on your son's wedding!

Answer 11

No you should not feel guilty at all. You have made it perfectly clear to both your son and future daughter in law your financial limitations. You have already bought his suit and will try to help them with some financing for their honeymoon, which they should be thankful for. In today's day and age most people, myself included pay for their own wedding and expenses. For your future duaghter in law to get a bit uptight about it is sad quite frankly. Please enjoy yourself and the happiness of your son's special day!

Answer 12

Don't feel guilty, I know weddings are just once in a lifetime but expenses will always be there. Talk to them what other alternatives that you can do aside from giving too much money. Hopefully they will understand that you do really want to help with the expenses yet also not to be a burden for you.

Answer 13

Hi. Absolutely do NOT feel guilty. Your son knows your financial situation, and you were upfront with your soon to be daughter-in-law from the start.

I don't want to start a rift between the two of you (you and daughter-in-law), but in today's world it is the bride and groom that are responsible for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon! Times have changed. No longer does the bride's family pay for XXX and the groom's family pays for XXX. It's just not done that way now. Some families do contribute, and that is very generous. Some even pay for the whole thing....again, very generous. But sometimes families just cannot help out. There are many couples on this forum that are paying for everything themselves.

I know of all of the "traditional" who pays for what....but I have NEVER heard that the grooms family pays for the honeymoon! NO, no, no. I don't know where she came up with that, but it is wrong.

You (and your husband) do what you can. You contribute what you are able and that (to me) is very generous. Look around for a dress for yourself. For my own son's wedding, I picked a plain dress off the rack at a bridal store in their "clearance room". It was regularly priced at $180 (with the tags still on) and I paid $25!!!

Again, no need to feel guilty.

Answer 14

I don't know. I mean, my parents started saving for my wedding when I finnished college. They gave 5,000. We are getting almost nothing from the grooms mother, who in my opinion, lives just as well as my parents, but is choosing not to help. She says she can't afford it, but she always takes great vacations and get's her hair done at a fancy salon every month. I don't blame her, but I feel as though this is just not her priority. This is probably how your future daughter in law feels. The good news is, I'll get over it and so will she.

The dress sounds kind of out of control on her part, however. Maybe you could negotiate a cheaper dress and more money towards the rehersal dinner. BTW, I had no idea the grooms family traditionally paid for anything other than the rehersal dinner. Also, we are scaling our dinner down so that she can afford to pay for it. I think it will make her feel good to pay for all of it and it will make me feel good not to have her feel uncomfortable. I think this will help both of us to feel better about the event.

The only advice I can give on the guilt is to look seriously and see if there is a way that you could at least pay for the rehersal dinner, at a reasonable location. Then I would offer that kindly and with dignity.

Answer 15

I would pull my sone aside and tell him how she is making you feel. I personally would feel like I didnt owe her a thing if she was being cruel to me... My parents and my boyfriends parents are both in tight financial situations and I dont feel like they owe me anything.We arent even engaged and have plans to save for our big day because we know the responsiblility falls on us! Sounds like she is a spoiled brat who needs to learn some manners! Ask her if she has ever heard of the saying if ya want something YOU have to work for it! Good luck and I am sorry that this joyful time is causing you stress.

Answer 16

Your future daughter-in-law is absolutely right, if you follow the "etiquette" books. They do say that it's your responsibility to pay for the Honeymoon & the Rehearsal Dinner. BUT ... they don't say WHERE the Honeymoon & Rehearsal Dinner have to be! You can OFFER to pay for a Honeymoon (week), at your local Day's Inn! If they'd rather go to Vegas than give them the $$$ that a week at your local Day's Inn would cost! You can OFFER to have the Rehearsal Dinner at your house (salad, baked ziti, bread & iced tea). If they'd rather have it at a restaurant, you can give them the $$$ that it would have cost you, to have it at YOUR HOUSE. I think it's your responsibility to OFFER to pay for these things (on a level that YOU can afford). My husband's family IS/WAS much, much, much better off financially than my family IS/WAS, but we followed "the rules." My parents paid for EVERYTHING (modestly), his family covered the Rehearsal Dinner (which was spectacular!), and our Honeymoon (which was AMAZING!). In regards to the Mother's Dress ... ask your future daughter-in-law to PLEASE help you find a dress that matches (colorwise), at a price you can afford. Best Wishes!

Answer 17

Don't feel guilty if you can't afford it then you can't afford it, nowadays most couples pay for thier own weddings. Me and my guy will be paying for are own no big deal this way I know my budget too. A mothers dress for over 300 is a bit much I think I would really maybe sit the two down and talk to them about the whole thing.

Source(s):

I am planning my wedding for May 2009.

Answer 18

Do not feel bad! When I got married, my husband and I paid for it all ourselves because neither of our parents had alot of money. It is okay!! It's an old tradition that the parents helped pay, but it is not like that anymore! Now a days I think alot of couples pay for their own weddings.

Answer 19

Grooms side usually pays for
rehearsal dinner and booze for reception
I never heard of the honeymoon?????

Now a days it's different!
Don't go in debt! Only do what
you can comfortably do.

As for the dress go to
http://www.ebay.com
in search box type this:
alex evenings dress (and then your size #)
Their dress's are lovely but go up one size
if you are a 12 go to a 14
I go mine for $39 including shipping
NWT---stands for new with tags
good luck

Answer 20

I've never heard of the groom's parents paying for the honeymoon. That's a vacation for the couple. It seems like they should pay for it themselves.

Maybe you should talk to your son privately about your concerns and what he expects and how he wants to handle things. If your son understands then leave it to him to deal with his fiance.

You should not feel guilty.

Answer 21

Most of the couples I know had to pay for almost all of their wedding by themselves. I don't think you should feel guilty at all. If you can't do it, you can't.

Answer 22

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it and that's all there is to it really. Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault. They shouldn't expect you to contribute, that is so rude and very out-dated now. Our parents are only giving us a little bit and my fiance and I are paying the majority. Remind your spoilt little brat of a future daughter in law that it is the kids mainly that pay for the wedding these days and if they want a wedding, they should have to pay for it and not lay a guilt trip on you because you can't afford it.

PS. they don't NEED a rehearsal dinner, these are over-rated and a good excuse to fork out more money and she is being GREEDY! You don't HAVE to pay for ANYTHING!!

Answer 23

Should you feel guilty because you cannot help with the expenses? No! Absolutely not. Do not appologize or feel bad. It's there wedding, not yours.

It's time your future daughter-in-law gets acquanted to financial reality. Dreams will always be adjusted to compensate for ones financial means. It's nice growing up under someone elses roof (i.e. parents) and not worry about these things. But, this sheltered life isn't the way of the married couple. So, no better time than the present to become keenly aware of the financial consequences of your dreams than to be faced with your own wedding bills.

The, so called, rules on who pays for what were never meant to apply to the masses. They were meant for the extreme wealthy, the prince and princesses of the world, the children of our world leaders. The rest of us worked for this 0.1% of the population by slaving over their excessive needs and wishes.

It's only the greedy merchants of today, whom job it is to market weddings to increase their own revenue, that have a need to propogate this wealthy game.... and to push the expense off to the people that raised the children; for surely nobody first starting off might actually suffer the consequences of their lavish desires.

I got married BEFORE my parents retired, and just a couple of years before my father-in-law retired. We paid for our WHOLE wedding, and honeymoon, by ourselves. If we couldn't afford to do that - then we had NO BUSINESS getting married in the first place. Both our parents could of easily afforded it. Both of us came from wealth. It would of been embarrasing and an admission of weakness to of even asked them to pay for a thing.

Answer 24

I had the feelling that Indians only have to follow the customs and spend lot of money on marriage ceremonies. But the problem is everywhere. because family is the nurturing place for children, the kids should be helped out as best as can be done. Even if parents have to use the life savings, it is worth it. What we give , comes back to us in some form or other. so spend what you can do best for your son and daugther in law.

Answer 25

I haven't heard of the parents paying for the honeymoon. If the couple decide where they want to go then they should pay for it. I think it's generous you're giving them some cash towards it.

Maybe you could have a quiet word to your son and tell him that you would really love to help him and his future wife but you are just not in the financial position to pay for all of these things at the moment. Tell him you will contribute what you can but you simply don't have the money and pushing the issue won't change that- you already feel guilty about it. Then he could talk to his fiance about it.

I think it's rude!!

Answer 26

I suggest you get rid of your guilt really quickly.
These days, it's most common for the couple to pay for the wedding themselves, without putting ANY burden on either of their families! So, shame on them...

Answer 27

NO!

Sit down with your son and talk to him privately. Tell him how much you love him...how excited you are for him and "Emily" and you wish you could contribute more..but that you are just not in a position to do so.

If they want to postpone the wedding for 3 or 4 years (evil smile)...no..no don't say that.

If the couple is old enough to start a life together..then they should be old enough to earn money to go to vegas for a few days or be mature enough to plan a honey moon that THEY can afford!!!!

If you are inclined to do a rehearsal dinner..nothing says it can't be a home made dinner at your house. If you don't want to...or cannot afford it ...then don't.

As far as the $300 gown goes...I am quite sure that you can match her colors for much, much less than that!!!! Or...wear something that looks good and fits you that you can afford.

Her deciding to plan a raucous party does not enslave YOU financially!!!!

My husband and I paid for our entire wedding as well as our honeymoon. My in-laws gave us a nice check that was enough to buy the bed that we wanted and my father and his wife gave us a bed spread!

This is not 1950 where children who have nothing and no careers or education are getting married out of high school so they can have sex.

Couples getting married today are dual income, older, well educated and have usually already lived together or on their own and should know how to do a budget!

DO N*O*T FEEL GUILTY FOR ONE TEENY TINY SECOND!