Help! Unhappy stay at home mom?

Question

I am a 25 year old stay at home mom with a soon to be 2 year old son. I haven't really worked since my son came along and I have no college education. I have recently been checking out some online schools because going to a traditional college is not an option for me. I am very unhappy in my marriage. My husband feels that the money he makes at work is his money that he uses to take care of us. He makes me ask for money and he goes shopping with me so I wont buy anything we don't really need. I get 20 dollars out of each check for myself. I am thankful for all he does for us but I don't think of the money as his money. I feel it is the family money. We fight all the time about this and he tells me if I don't like him having control over the money then I should get a job.1) How can I get a job? 2) What about our son? I feel depressed but I can't talk to my husband. I love being a mom but what about my identity? What happens to me when my son grown and no longer needs me?

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

I'm pretty much in the same boat you are in, except my daughter is five, and it's been going on that long. I recently asked my husband if we could open a savings account. Now any extra money he has, instead of us arguing over where it should go and who gets to spend it, it goes in this account. We've decided that we will use this for things like birthdays, christmas, etc. My husband feels the same way tho, like i shouldn't just get to blow his hard earned money. you can't let it get to you. there are some really good online schools, and also there are some colleges, maybe a few in your area, that offer their classes online, you just have to do a little research. but no matter how grown your son gets, he will always need you, your his mother. don't worry about that, that's too far away to worry yourself over now. good luck.

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Asker's Comment:

Thank you so much for your comments.

Answer 2

Get real! He is happy for you to have a job. You have the time to think about this - which many others do not have. You have a child and you are married. Say your prayers and count your blessings.

Answer 3

Online schools are perfect for you then. The other thing you may want to look into is working at home as a medical transciptionist. Plenty of doctors offices are looking for people to do this kind of work for them out of their homes. You may need some training but you can do that during the day. Then once you start making money be smart, squirrel some away, because the way this sounds you are sounding like you might make the Great Escape. Need cash for that

Answer 4

since he takes care of the family, get a job and let him pay for the child care

Source(s):

m

Answer 5

if you get 20 a week it will take you very little time to ad it up to the amount you want to buy better things for you and your son, alot of men feel the sme as you husband, they work for it and they want to know where its going
sometime submit a bill to him for what you do around the house and child care see if things change

Answer 6

your son will always need you to be the best mom you can be, that includes doing things to make yourself happy.......daycare sucks, but will give him excellent social skills- raising kids is full of situations like this......choose the best alternative and look for the good in any situation....your husband is right though, you need a job and your own social circle.....GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

Get busy now and dont wait to late! Your still young! You can take part time classes or maybe even work part time. There is no shame in letting the kids go to daycare while you start your career! Goodluck!

Answer 8

For goodness sakes get a job and put your son in daycare. The both of you can pay daycare and you will have your own money and have your OWN identity. I 'm a single mom and have 4 kids and have NEVER been a stay at home mom AND just got my Associates Degree after 7 years of night school. If you want it ....GO for it because its there for the taking.

Answer 9

You are on the right path, taking classes online. A couple of years into schooling you might have to take some classes in person.

I'm sorry, but it does seem like your husband is keeping you at home (without money) so that he can control you. I lived that for many years. Every time I tried to go to school, my ex made sure something stood in the way.

Ideally you shouldn't have to worry about working, but your situation concerns me. You might consider getting a job at a daycare, where you can take your son with you. Or even taking in kids at your home. Put half of all of your earnings away..and I mean HIDDEN away. Because I worry you're about to be the victim of domestic/mental abuse.

Source(s):

Been there, done that. Not fun.

Answer 10

why cant you get a job? sounds like you are making up excuses.Work the hours he is off from his job.

Answer 11

There is no reason in the world why you can't work. There are more women who have children and go to work. There are day care centers all over the place.

I worked when my son was small as I was a single mother. He is now 39 and we are very close and he NEVER felt neglected.

The only way you are going to feel independent is by getting out and working.

By the way, your husband is totally wrong ... it's family money!

Answer 12

One question: WHAT is it that you have to buy if he provides you and your son with EVERYTHING you need???

To answer your numbered questions:

1)You don't need to get a job.
2) You should stay at home with your son.
3) What identity??? YOu're a mom and a wife! That's your identity!
4) Your son will ALWAYS need you like every child always needs their own mothers, regardless of their age.

GROW UP.

I'm a mom, too so I'm entitled to say that.

Answer 13

Go back to school, or get a part time job and make hubby pay for day care for your son or at least half of it. You need to pursue your dreams, whatever they are. Being married and having a family does not mean that you stop living for yourself and live only for others. Unless you and your husband agree that you need a life outside of your home, your marriage is headed for trouble. Putting your son in daycare is a bigger step for you than it is for him. Children are resilient and he will be fine, you will be surprised. Besides it's good for the little tyke to get some socialization and he is at a good age for that. Good luck!!

Answer 14

Finding a part time job to make a little money isn't as hard as it seems although it may not be the most glamourous. Set a goal and work towards it.

Answer 15

Hey! Well, you're looking for an online school, but since you have no job and your man sees the money he makes as "his" money...who is gonna pay for the school? I'd suggest you go look for a job. That way you don't have to lower yourself by asking him for money when you need it. Besides that, looking for a job will open up the opportunity to go back to (online) school, but it is also THE thing that will make you independent. Look in papers, look on websites, there must be some job you're qualified for.

It's great to be a parent, but you must not lose yourself. Like you said, you don't know what your identity is. The only person that can change you...is you. If you are unhappy staying at home...then we come back again to the subject op JOB. it will bring in money, but it will help you become your own person, identify your goals in life, and make the unhappiness you're feeling now a bit more bareable.

And don't worry about your son. If you raise him the right way, he will always be there for you...even when he's grown. Just be the best mom you can be to him, and you'll see everything between you and your son will be sunshine.

But start working on your own ambitions and goals...show your son a person needs to have a purpose in life. Be that example. You will feel much happier.

Answer 16

Girl, get you a job. You should start searching for a daycare, maybe a friend or someone who is also a stay at home mom and would be willing to keep your child. You could also find a job with the opposite schedule as your husband so he can keep the baby while you work. You never want to be in a position where a man can say you don't pay your way, real men would not treat a woman in such a way but there are many of those BUSTERS out there and that seems to be what you ended up with. Even if you have to put your child in a daycare for $150 a week then so be it, make him split the cost with you because it's his child too. And your child is also at the age where they need to start playing with other children and learning things (not that you can't teach your child things) but it helps if your child is exposed to different things and different people in a daycare/school setting. This only increases his/her eagerness to learn more.

Answer 17

you can always talk to me???

Answer 18

I personally think you need a break from being a stay at home Mom. Check into finding a morning day care for your son. Just a few hours to start with. Then try to find a part time job close to home. This will give you an out for a little while plus give you some of your own money. A local church might be a good place to start looking for morning day care. Most of the time, churches are not as expensive as other daycares and they are more understanding when it comes to not wanting daycare for the entire day. Good luck and hang in there!!!

Answer 19

Hey! mama, please stop wallowing in self pity; it makes all the successful woman out there look like superwomans. Everyone can do it, do you have a strong will? are you choosy about the job you wanna do? these are some of the questions you should be asking yourself. Start small, think of a boutique shop, that way, u will still stay with the boy as yu work, self employement will really booster your self image/worth. If there is no money for business, start baby sitting for other busy mom's then the money you get, will be enough to hire a private tutor in whatever you are interested in. Millions of women try it and it works!! Just be prepared to have the good with the bad side of any thing you set your mind to! and please get up and do something!!

Answer 20

Get a job, Maybe at a daycare? Where you can have child care and make $$ too. Or take care of another child in your home for cash only...say $100 a week...wouldn't that be better?
This is not a dilemma.

Answer 21

Well you are fortunate to have someone to provide for you and the your son however I do understand how you are feeling. I would suggest taking it slow. Getting your degree online is fine but those classes are also accelerated you are basically teaching yourself with the materials given to you. Most cities have community colleges where as you can take one class at a time at your own pace. I would suggest hubby watching your son while you take a class or two a week. If you decide to work instead, then start part time during the hours that husband is home so he can babysit.

Answer 22

Must remark DO NOT listen to this fugitive angel person.
You DO need a separate identity, your own friends, your own career, even if it is daycare at your home, and your OWN money. This is not the dark ages.
Your identity--you can't base your identity on being a mother and a wife. If something were to happen to them, (I know, horrible to say) but if something did, then you would be left without an identity? You don't want that, and that is what happens to many women when their children go off to form their own lives and their husband leaves them for a younger woman. So don't let yourself be open to a possible lack of identity later.
Empower yourself! You do need your own source of income, in whatever way you want to make it. Your husband isn't going to be able to control that money completely. (and I can tell already that that is going to bother him)
He goes shopping with you to control how you spend the money? This guy is a control freak. Time to stand your ground and tell him to watch the child while you shop. If he refuses, then you have such a control freak on your hands that you shouldn't just go to school, you should be making plans for your getaway car.

Answer 23

I feel for your situation but this isn't about being a mom and having your own identity. You are doing the right things, you are putting your son and your husband before yourself. The problem is your husband isn't doing the same. I often joke and tell people that me and my husband are exhausted because we are so busy trying to "out do" each other...I'm always putting him first, taking care of his needs and he's busy doing the same for me. That is what a husband and wife is supposed to do. Your husband is wrong in that since he works it's "his money". If you are staying home taking care of his house and his child that is your "reasonable portion". It takes you both doing what you are doing to make your family work. However it doesn't seem like it's working. If your husband wants you to get a job, then get one. But tell him putting your child in daycare would probably cost more than what you'd make - since you don't have a college education. Tell him it would be HIS responsibility to pay the childcare and whatever income you make would be yours to do as you wish. I can almost guarantee you that he won't like that. But so what. He's not doing what he's supposed to be doing, not in my book. Yes he is providing - if minimally - for his family, but the bible says that a man is supposed "love his wife as Christ loves him". If he loved you like he was supposed to, this wouldn't be an issue. I suggest that you guys see both a financial counselor and a marriage counselor, not necessarily in that order. And I know they are expensive, but let your husband pay for it out of "his" money. Good luck.

Answer 24

honey, i know exactly how you feel. don't let the avatar fool you, it's my husbands. I'm a 26yr stay at home mom of two! it gets hard, i know. as far as the $ situation, forgive me but your husband is wrong. it should be your family's $, not just one way. however,if it's being saved, that's different. but 20 bucks?! whats that, gas $? OK...i think for yourself, try looking for work you can do that either has built in child care, or maybe a community collage that has child care on site. try options like this that having to pay for child care isn't a problem. you can do it! even if you maybe get involved working with children. you getting yourself and your child in more social events and either furthering your future and or earning yourself money (more than that 20 lol) for you.
you can do it! i believe even if you cant right now.
best of luck to you!
prayers and blessings to you and your child

Answer 25

First of all, it's NOT his money!

Suggestion: Leave him home with your son on a Saturday all day until your son is in bed. Tell him you're looking for a job, or that you have interviews or whatever. Then ask him if that wasn't WORK!!! Hello, he needs to get a clue. I'm sorry, but you work 3 full time jobs and don't get paid for it! How much would it cost for a maid and child care? If you work you at least have to get child care and it's expensive!!! Sometimes if you get a job, it will barely cover child care expenses. I'm guessing your husband doesn't make very much money- maybe you qualify for WIC or head start child care. Look into it.

I have the same problem with my husband, but he doesn't control me- he just spends way more money than me and doesn't acknowledge the work that I do. I stay home with my 2 yr old boy and 1 yr old daughter. I feel like I never have time for anything. All I do is take care of everyone else. I'm forcing myself to create time for me, and letting him share in the responsibilities of the children.

What are your interests? What are you good at? Maybe you can do something out of the home? Go to school- it will be so good for you, but I'm guessing he won't want to spend the money on it. Get a decent part time job, when your husband is at home so he can watch your son. Get out and do things with other stay at home moms- have play groups. That's what I do. What did you do before you married? Don't forget who you really are! Don't let your husband control or change you. You deserve better!

It would be really good to go to counseling or a religious leader about this problem. Is there more to the story than just the unfair financial problem? Don't let him get away with treating you this way anymore!!! You're not his child. Break the pattern now, you can do it! Talk to each other and understand one another. A marriage is a compromise. It sounds like he's getting everything his way. Good Luck

Answer 26

Stay at home another 2 to 3 years, until your son starts school, and then go out and get a job or start school. This will save you a lot of money in child care. Additionally, it will allow you to spend time with your son during these important early years. To make the time go by quicker, and to improve your self esteem, I recommend setting learning goals for your son. Try to get him reading, adding and/or subtracting before kindergarten (a library and/or bookstore will have books that will help you teach him), and/or try teaching him a sport or musical instrument that you know. Children are quite capable, their minds are like sponges, and getting his mind working a couple years early will do him a great service once he starts school.

The women I know in similar situations to yours show dramatic improvements in self esteem and general happiness when they are working. Furthermore, you're absolutely right about it being difficult for you to go to school, but it isn't impossible. I personally know three women (2 of them single mothers, and one with a special needs child) who have gone back to school to get their Engineering degree. Just make sure you do some research first to make sure the job market is good in the degree your going for. You don't want to waste time and money earning a degree that you can't use.

Answer 27

Wow there are alot of mean dam people here answering your question.It seems like your in a tuff situation and they want to bash you.What is the need for that really.I really feel for you I do.Really how does your husband expect you to get a job?? Sure my single mom had a job but who watched us kids, my brother did.You have to plan things out as much as possible.Who will watch your son.What kind of job would you get.Would you be wasting your time with that job.If you feel that your marriage is on the rocks, you should be planning for a back up for yourself.If your marriage is fine you could still plan for a better future for yourself.I think if you are strong enough you should go for the college path.It will be hard but so worth it in the long run.You could take classes real slow.Your husband is probably never going to change.My dad dad sounds like your husband and he never changed.Thats why my mom left him.

Answer 28

You already have a job - being a stay at home mommy is tough. Why don't you give him invoices for everything you do for him?? A bill for his meals, one for his laundry, one for childcare, one for cleaning and see if he changes his tune.
I would get a part time job and hire a babysitter for your son. Hubby can pay for it, this way you're contributing some cash to the family but you also have your own cash flow now.
Good luck!

Answer 29

I am little confused about why you can't get a job?
Women work every day - hell some work and go to school and raise more than one child....like myself!

Your son needs you to be a good example - sitting around in your own personal pity party is not a good example. Kids are not defective if they have to go to daycare - it's just a fact of life.

Personally - and I am sorry if this offends people (particularly SAH mom's) but I think it is extremely selfish to expect a man to support an entire family and then be upset because he doesn't "give you money for yourself". WTF? You want money for you - then YOU go earn it! Your husband is supporting an entire family on his income and you are worried about what you get for "you"? Yes I realize that being a SAH mom is a job - trust me I have 4 kids of my own and I know it's alot of work, but it is not an entitlement!

Go get a job - go to school - do something!

Answer 30

this is my situation 100 % only we also have a 2 month old and are getting divorced.
if I want to work or do college or even get my drivers license I'm told well you'll have to pay for child care, oh, you dont have the money so I guess you cant do it!

I have to BEG for money and when we go shopping he has to approve of anything get.

i dunno. start charging the hubby for things you do at home.
or leave him.
he doesnt seem like he has your best interest in mind, just control.Your partner you should be help building you up, not bringing you down and making you feel like "how the heck can I do this on my own"
and men who are controlling over finances and are secretive about accounts and etc... they tend to have "OTHER" expenses that they aren't wanting you to know about if you know what i mean.