Gay-straight co-parenting?

Question

I'm a single, straight woman considering having a child with a gay, male friend. This would be a co-parenting situation, i.e. joint custody. Has anyone else created this kind of alternative family? How has it worked? Positives and negatives. Also, do you know of any resources where I can get more information? Thanks.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Please see this Yahoo! Answers question to better understand the following answer to your question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/?qid=2…

If I'm reading your question right, you are asking 2 questions:
1) Does it matter if a child is raised by 1 or 2 parents?
2) Does it matter if the parents are gay or straight?

Another Yahoo! Answers user, "Id", has an open question asking: "I'm a single, straight woman considering having a child with a gay, male friend . . . Has anyone else created this kind of alternative family? How has it worked? . . . where I can get more information?"

I'm going to address all 3 questions below because while they are not identical questions, broad discussions of gay or non-married parenting should include discussions of legalities.

Question 1: Does it matter if a child is raised by 1 or 2 parents?
Excellent children can be raised by a single parent. Children can be raised poorly by 2 parents. And vice versa. Your question however is: "Does it matter?" And I think the answer to that question is: "Yes, it does matter."

It matters in at least two primary ways:

a) Raising a child with only one main caregiver and/or financial provider will likely be a distinctly different experience for both the parent and child.

I'm a fairly well-educated person. I have a good career, a strong supportive extended family, and good financial resources. I was raised in a great single parenting environment, where my single parent did an outstanding job raising multiple children. I fear few things. I am capable in many ways. But if someone said to me, "You are going to raise a child or two on your own," I would likely be disabled by the future ahead of me. I think I could do it, but from my best knowledge about myself, I would be a greatly inferior parent if I was raising children on my own compared to if I was raising children with the constant aid of another human being, with complimentary skills.

I have observed brilliant people who have become overwhelmed with the work of single parenting. When I try to empathetically put myself in their position, it makes my head hurt (I mean REALLY hurt - it makes me cry). I don't even allow myself to imagine how difficult single parenting would be for me. If there is one thing that might push me into mental imbalance, it might be being "solely" accountable for the safety and character of my children and needing to be NEVER-CEASINGLY mindful of them. If single parents don't create a support system to regularly provide respite for them, the worry can be incessant. That takes a toll on reasonableness and mental health. The mind is not made to be always "on" and to never be able to turn "off" for awhile. A brilliant single mother could raise two brilliant children, with no learning disabilities or strong behavioral problems, and the mother could overload on that amount of constant worry. Who listens for the children if they are choking all the time? Who listens to them breathe all night when the children have colds and congestion? Amazing single parents do.

There are millions of great single parents, but not everyone is capable of doing single parenting well. For some families, single parenting is far better than having a 2nd bad parent, but it is NEVER an easy task to be a caring single parent - the worries are too constant and too great. So, yes, it does MATTER if there is one or two.

b) WHO raises the child is inherent in the decision to have only one or two parents.

If you want to single parent and you've had experience being solely responsible for children, taking care of them 24 hours, then single parenting may be the best answer for your children.

But if you think you would be a better parent working with another co-parent, then deciding WHO is vital. Personally, knowing my limited abilities and aptitudes, I don't think children would be as well cared for if I acted as a single parent. But, I'd be a better single parent than I'd be with a poor or absent 2nd parent. So, if I was considering parenting, I'd look for someone who:
- Had abilities I did not have
- Had strong, positive DIFFERENCES from me
- I had a reasonable expectation would stay involved with me and the children until the children reached their teens
- Could do the parenting tasks that I didn't foresee I could do well
- Would benefit from aptitudes I might have that they did not have
- WAS A PERSON I WANTED CHILDREN TO GROW UP TO BE LIKE
- Was a person I knew I enjoyed spending "normal" day-to-day time with
- Was a person who I worked well with at accomplising long-term, complex projects

The co-parent can also be irreplacibly important because they genetically and mentally perceive and understand the communications and actions of the child like few other people would be able to - despite levels of education or effort. I constantly see mothers who intrepret and respond to things in their children that no one else in the room can understand. There is often a natural empathy in each parent that the other parent will not be able to perceive as well.

Question 2: Does it matter if the parents are gay or straight?

The sexual orientation of a person would not be a major determinative factor in whether I'd consider whether someone would be a good co-parent. And whatever "orientation" or "gender" education that me and my co-parent did not have, we could work hard to expose and educate our children about. So, I don't think "having a man and a woman" is necessary, even if that gender diversity would provide many benefits.

Question 3: I'm a single, straight woman considering having a child with a gay, male friend . . . Has anyone else created this kind of alternative family? How has it worked? . . . where can I get more information?

Parenting and relationships inherently involve laws and rights. If you are going to have children in a non-marital relationship, make certain you know all there is to know about the federal and (your) state's laws on:
- Common law marriage
- Gay unions
- Parental rights to children born out of wedlock
- Property dissolution in the event of separation
- Child custody statutory and case law
- Palimony requirements

You are heading into indefinite and fluctuating legal areas. Put all your intents regarding the following into writing, signed, dated, by all parties and some disinterested witnesses:
- Custody if you stay together (Shared? How? With what legal rights & documentation),
- Custody if you should part wih the co-parent (Expect child support? May not be for you to determine, but discuss anyway)
- Property devisements (Will the partner or child get your wealth if you die? Vice versa?)
- Parenting in the event of your death (Who do you want to have custody if you die?)

Like with a pre-nuptual agreement, articulate the best answers you have to the tough questions that may arise when conflicts begin.

"A friend", gay or not, does not necessarily make a good father (even if absent) or co-parent. So look at the criteria in the answer to question 2 to evaluate who a good co-parent might be. I have not been personally around "alternative" families, but they are many in number and becoming increasingly more vocal and visible. See the below sites to gain more information on that part of the question.

Some final thoughts:

Having a child is seriously life-threatening process for any woman. Don't underestimate it. Even women in perfect health are taking significant health risks to create another life. If you are uncertain what you want personally, spend significant time (hours and days) with women in their 3rd trimester, labor, and the first 3 weeks of a baby's life. Understand what is really needed to do the process well.

Having a chld is forever. Friends and marriages may come and go. But how you relate to your child will affect both of you forever.

Source(s):

If you would like to read more of my ramblings on this and similar issues, visit:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-revi…

While I have not reviewed any of the below sites, and therefore cannot recommend them, they purport to be on these or related topics:

http://www.apa.org/pi/parent.html...
http://www.gayparentmag.com/
http://www.haydennet.com/parenting/...
http://uk.gay.com/channel/community/pare…
Or do a search for "gay parenting"

Answer 2

Talk about confusing. I really hope you reconsider this.

Source(s):

http://www.libchrist.com/other/homosexua…